Hey, over here. I’m hiding in the closet. Why am I hiding in the closet? I’ll tell you why. My wife talked me into streaming the Harry Potter movie series based on the beloved children’s books written by J.K. Rowling. OMG, these are children’s stories? Just last year, I finally was able to sleep without the light on after seeing the “Exorcist” in 1973. I won’t be able to sleep in the dark for the rest of my life. Yeah, it started out sweet enough, but by the end, all humanity is under attack by the evil forces of witchcraft. Everything around you is being turned into rubble, innocent people are being murdered, and the world is on the verge of complete annihilation. Now there’s a story to read to your kids when you want them to sleep at bedtime—no nightmares there (An excellent example of sarcasm).
My perception of children’s books is entirely contrary to what the Harry Potter series offers. A child’s book to me is “Horton Hears a Who!,” “The Poky Little Puppy,” “Paddington Bear,” “Winnie The Pooh,” and “The Cat In The Hat.” Winnie the Pooh’s nose getting stuck in a honey jar is about as dark as it got. These sweet, innocent stories made children laugh, and the child would want a stuffed doll of the story’s characters. Can you imagine a kid snuggling up to their “Voldemort” doll?
My kids still have memories of their grandfather reading them The Poky Little Puppy at bedtime. All three of them owned a stuffed Pooh Bear, and, as a family, we enjoyed watching Disney movies featuring Winnie the Pooh. No bad memories or nightmares for the kids as a result. No one tried to “off” Winnie, even though Tigger might have been high on meth and Eeyore, who appeared to be battling depression, goes off the deep end.
While doing my deep-dive research for this post (Five minutes on Wikipedia), I discovered a horror movie released in 2023 titled, “Winnie the Pooh, Blood, and Honey!” The clip I watched had a deranged Piglet slaughtering teenagers in the three-acre wood. When are teenagers going to learn when being chased by a mad slasher, do not go into the woods or a cemetery, don’t go up the stairs to the top floor or down into the basement and keep your head on a swivel because the killer is always right behind you ready to remove your head. Geez, basic rules for a teenagers trying to go to a kegger party.
Writing children’s books has become a big money maker for celebrities with nothing better to do. Some of the celebrity children’s books include The Brand New Kid by former Today host Katie Couric; The Case of the Time-Capsule Bandit by Oscar-winning actress Octavia Spencer; Daisy and Josephine by Little House On The Prairie star Melissa Gilbert; and How Roland Rolls authored by funny man Jim Carrey. Even the King of England wrote a children’s book. The Old Man of Lochnagar by H.R.H. Charles Prince of Wales (He was still just a prince then and he had plenty of free time). These are just a few examples of celebrity children’s books.
Since any idiot can write a children’s book, why not this one? I have yet to be recognized for my writing ability by the Noble Committee or the folks who hand out the Pulitzer Prize, so I will now turn my abilities to children’s literature. Again, imagination is all that I need, and after a few beers, I have a great one. Did I ever tell you, just after finishing a six-pack at the 19th hole, about how I shot my age in golf?
Where to start? I guess I need to create a lead character. This will be a tough decision. Do I pick a child or an animal? Many stories feature animals as the lead. Charlotte’s Web, Babe, and the Three Little Pigs all feature pork as their lead character. An animal might be the right choice. If the story gets dark, the worst that could happen to the lead is that they become bacon or bratwurst. If I choose a child, the readers might get really upset if they are in danger. Oh, I forgot…J.K. Rowling is now a billionaire from putting an eleven-year-old boy and his friend’s lives in danger in seven different books.
How about this for an idea? A brother and sister are walking through the woods when they come by a house made of gingerbread and candy, with a witch trying to eat them. You say it’s been done? Too dark? Nobody would write a story like that. It’s too Grimm (Get it? I crack myself up). Ok, I need to keep on plugging along.
Children’s stories go back centuries, and there aren’t too many new ideas left for a story. I thought my story could be about a small child who decides to become a law maker. He/she would have to navigate the treacherous halls of Congress in an effort to do good for his constituents and their families. He/she would be pursued by evil politicians who try to steer him down the path of pork barrel and bribes. Every individual story will deal with how our 12-year-old hero tries to push through legislation for fighting climate change or to solve the homeless problem, only to be thwarted by the evil, mysterious, dark leader and his mystical veto pen. At every turn, a shadowy figure will try to derail his efforts while they protect the interests of their big-buck donors. Our hero will never know who are and are not his allies. The one thing he will be assured of is his afternoon nap. That is the one constant in Washington since all these octogenarians (from the Latin for really old person) representatives fall asleep at around two in the afternoon. Besides being a child’s point of view of the cult like, dark underbelly of Washington D.C. it offers the young reader a civics lesson. A benefit for our children as I scare them out of their wits.
I can milk a series of seven books out of this idea. I am sending an outline of my proposed books to Warner Brothers (They were the studio that thrust Harry Potter into our lives). I’m sure I’ll get my multi-million advance for the story any day now. Now it’s time for my nap. I’ll be bringing an extra lamp into the room.
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