We’re in the middle of something that doesn’t happen too often, a worldwide pandemic. We have all been affected one way or another. From being infected by this potentially deadly virus, practicing social distancing to avoid infection, being forced to work from home, being laid off from jobs, and battling for toilet paper at your local COSTCO or Walmart.
Somethings are more important than others. Making sure I have enough soft, double ply Charmin to clean my nether regions for at least the next decade is essential. I know that it may be hard to believe, but I passed up the beer section to head right to the paper product aisle. Maybe my priorities seemed skewed, but if I need a buzz to help reduce the stress from this crisis, I’ll just dip into my hoard of hand sanitizer. I know I have enough to kill every germ from here to the Atlantic coast, so I can spare a shot to help me relax a bit. When mixed with some cola and ice, a little bit goes a long way. It’s 60% alcohol which could relax an elephant…or kill it.
Another item that has experienced skyrocketing sales since the start of the “crisis” has been guns. Why would we need more guns? Simple answer, we need the guns to protect our stock piles of toilet paper and hand sanitizer from roving herds of bleeding heart liberals who’ll want to take it from me and give it to illegal immigrants and lazy poor people. How dare they?
I’m not completely oblivious to the suffering that is going on in this world. Our poor President has also been suffering. He has had to deal with a press core that repeats back to him what he may have said a day, week, month before, exposing his incompetence, hypocrisy and lack of empathy for the people of this country. That’s not fair. You would think that Hillary was actually President. I have only one thing to say about that, “It’s Obama’s fault!”
Don’t let this get out, but that evolution thing is sounding like a good idea. Survival of the fittest may be the right idea. What do I mean by the “fittest?” I mean those people who can afford to hoard toilet paper, hand sanitizer and guns. Imagine a world of people who own guns vying for the last of the depleted essential resources so they can survive…wait a minute, maybe I need to rethink this evolution thing.
As a big fan of the “Walking Dead,” I’m starting to think this may be the beginning of our post apocalyptic world. This virus will created the zombies that will want to eat my brains, and steal my toilet paper. Even a zombie wants comfort after taking a dump.
So, here I sit in my fortress, experiencing the life of a recluse and keeping my distance from everybody. I didn’t like everybody any way. If I do go out I’ll wear my hoody and have my surgical mask on. I don’t want to take a chance of catching something in public. Since I have the time and dressed for the part, I think I’ll stick up a liquor store on my way home.
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