Writing blog posts can be fun but is it a challenge? What I write is cotton candy. What I should be doing is steak. Maybe I should take my shot at the great American novel. Do Tom Clancy’s or Clive Cussler’s books qualify? I do love Jack Ryan and Dirk Pitt (Dirk, now that is a manly name. Sounds like hair and pectoral muscles).
Maybe I should take a shot at writing some literature. If Bob Dylan could win the Nobel Prize in literature for lines like “Everybody must get stoned,” how tough could it be.
What is literature? It’s what they made us read in high school. Great Expectations, Catcher in the Rye, Tale of Two Cities…I could go on. Not a lot of car chases, no heroes barely surviving trouble or someone trying to defuse the nuclear bomb with seconds left on the timer…“cut the red wire…the red wire dummy!”
My son challenged me to read one of his reading assignments from high school and I took the dare. The book was “One Hundred Years of Solitude” by Nobel Laureate author Gabriel Garcia Márquez. Oh my goodness. Not quite the page turner I was expecting. It was, how should I say this, the best sleep aid I have ever used, that wasn’t addictive.
So I’m giving up on literature and going to fall back on something people will actually want to read and will make me some real money. First thing was choosing a genre (ha, found my thesaurus). Spy thrillers, detective/murder mysteries, historical novels, biographies and political thrillers all require research to make them sound realistic. Facts, I don’t have time for facts. Romance novels are just yucky. Yes, I did say yucky…you have a problem with that? I know for a fact, Dirk Pitt thinks romance novels are yucky.
After a couple of hours of deep contemplation, better known as my afternoon nap, I decided to write a classic fantasy novel series. It’s perfect for me for several reasons.
First, look at my name. B.B.Riley. It would fit in perfectly with other famous fantasy writers. Harry Potter’s J.K. Rowlings, George R.R. Martin who authored Game of Thrones and J.R.R. Tolkien, creator of the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. I have the initials in the name thingy going for me. I was born for this.
Second, how hard can it be to write a book that is completely made up. No pressure to make sure something is accurate. All I have to do is let my imagination run wild. I’m good at make believe and that is why I never made it as a news reporter. Think about it, most of these stories involve characters who could not, or would not exist in our real world. People, it’s all make believe! If I wanted to invent a bad guy who was slimy, with a snake like forked tongue, who is slickly dressed and can’t be trusted when your back is turned, I could but maybe I shouldn’t. I think I just described a car salesman. I need characters that don’t really exist, like compassionate Republicans.
I won’t let that stop me. I will manufacture all kinds of different characters and species to populate the mythical land I create.
I know there are a few things that are required in one of these fantasy novels. An old wizard, maybe two, with long white beards. A beautiful but elusive princess always glowing white. A sidekick that is round, bumbling and almost human like. A dragon…there has to be a dragon. Horses and guys who are half horse and of course, unicorns. That will capture the 7-12 year old female demographic for sure. Of course we have to also include flying fairies, trolls, and pointy ear elves (Not to be confused with Vulcans…everyone knows Vulcans are real).
Our good guy will be a tall, handsome guy with a flowing mane, perfectly trimmed beard, a big sword and pearly white teeth. Maybe I’ll fashion him after the author. You haven’t seen a picture of me, so how would you know that it’s not true?
As for the plot. It is usually an epic quest by a simple, pure of heart character and his funny sidekick. He will be commissioned for this dangerous journey by one of the wizards. If there is a second wizard, he’s the main bad guy because that’s just how it works. Our lead will either be assisted or hindered in his quest by the other people in the strange, mysterious land.
He will have to sail across vast seas, climb tall, snow covered mountains and cross blazing deserts with out water in order to reach his destination. There always seems to be fire involved. Whether it is a volcano or dragon, our stars will be doing their best not to get toasted at every turn.
There will be a monumental battle between armies but we are not quite sure why. Guess that has to be included for the film version of the book.
Wow, my book is writing itself. Time for another nap.
When I wake up, I’ll be expecting a call from HBO with a huge offer to turn my books into an epic mini-series. People will be talking about it at the water cooler the day after. At a certain point, I will wrap up my series of books and leave my public wanting for more. I think I could have this done in a couple of weeks. Spelling and grammar are not important in my mythical land. I’ll just say, that is the language of the land. Go ahead, dispute that.
Once I finish writing, all I need to do is sit back and wait for my call from the Nobel Committee. I’m sure the mythology I created will be widely accepted, like Greek Mythology, Norse Mythology, Mayan mythology and the Dallas Cowboys being “America’s Team” mythology.
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