A few years ago I was unable to lose any weight on the Krispy Kreme diet. I then decided to take the next dramatic step…a real diet. With all the talk these days about diets, it’s time I weigh in with my opinion: I’m on a diet and I’m hungry. Really hungry.
I have put on a few extra pounds over the past few years—about the equivalent of a small jockey—and I decided to do something about it. (Okay, my wife decided I do something about it.)
So, I shopped around for a diet that would help me lose weight without major sacrifice or suffering. When the nutritionist quit laughing, she recommended a simple “eat a lot less diet.” She explained it would take months to work, I would have to do without many of my favorite foods, and I’d have to get my fat rear-end out of my lounge chair and actually exercise.
Kelly, my nutritionist, explained that remembering the benefits of losing all the excess weight would help me through the pain. I retorted a Krispy Kreme doughnut could do the same and hurt a lot less.
After receiving a look from my wife that could melt fat away, I agreed to the diet.
I now have a very specific menu. It requires me to count calories, fat, cholesterol and carbs. I was never very good at math; must be why I got so fat.
This diet is not one of those fad lose-all-the weight-in-a-week diets. I have been restricted to 2,300 calories a day. After reviewing my present eating habits, my nutritionist determined I was reaching that calorie level with my pre-breakfast snack. This would mean a drastic lifestyle change.
First thing that went was sugar. This was the toughest part. What is it with white powdery substances that make them so addictive? I now use artificial sweetener. As much as I want. All I have to do is ignore the fact that the sweetener has a chemical taste similar to drain cleaner.
Next to go was fat. Now, fat is what makes hamburgers so delicious. Butter, milk, ice cream and peanut butter all derive their tempting flavors from fat. Kelly told me I had plenty of stored fat and I could survive without extra helpings.
Finally, the carbs. My carbohydrates have been reduced but not nearly as much as if I were on the Atkins diet. It was explained to me a more balanced diet would be healthier than concentrating on one specific item. I was going to call Dr. Atkins and ask what he thought of that theory, but I heard he died years ago due to heart problems. How’d that work for him?
I now am concerned about my cholesterol level. At my age, people toss around their cholesterol number like it’s their batting average. Problem is, if you’re over 300 here, you’re in deep trouble. I am sure any cholesterol causing blockages in my arteries are in the shape of a bratwurst.
How did I get fat? I blame every fast food restaurant, pizza parlor, donut shop and ice cream store for not kicking me out as I entered. I am just an innocent victim who did not realize that hot fudge sundaes and French fries were harmful to my well being. According to my attorney/ gardener, it is all their fault and I should file a class action suit to gain restitution for all the pain and suffering I have endured. Looking at myself in the mirror the past few years has been pretty painful.
After careful thought I chose to take responsibility for my condition, and that is when I started my diet. So far, so good. I have lost over 30 pounds and have 20 to go. My wife is excited with the results. All my clothes are hanging off me and she can take me shopping for a new wardrobe…
Wait! SHOPPING! Do you think it’s too late to supersize my menu?
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