Hair

Gimme a head with hair,

long, beautiful hair,

Shinin’, gleamin’

Streamin’, flaxen, waxen

Thank you to Galt MacDermot, Gerome Ragni, and James Rado for the title song from the 1960s musical “Hair.” I must confess I really love the Cowsills version of this diddy. And why, you ask, would I be devoting time to a song called Hair? Simple, because my hair has been the biggest pain in the ass my whole life and with the pandemic, it has been exasperated. 

The pandemic has been torture for us all. Forced to quarantine, laid off from jobs, not knowing where our next meal will be coming from, potential of contracting a deadly disease and worst of all, unable to get a haircut. People were in the streets during the quarantine, brandishing AR15s demanding barber shops to open…well, bars too but it was a haircut they really wanted. I didn’t think this would be a problem for me since the strands of my hair decided to socially distance themselves before it was cool. 

Yes, my follicles are challenged. While I have hair on the side of my head, the rest of my head is a bit sparse. It’s like the California desert…vegetation every once in a while, with a big solar panel right in the middle of it. Not having a hair cut in months, my hair is wispy. When there’s a breeze, it acts like one of those tube men things, you see in front of a car dealer, waving in the wind. 

Almost a decade ago I realized that the days of a thick head of hair were over. I went to the barber, asked for a crew cut and have kept it that way since. No combs, no hair product, no spitting on my hand, then putting it on my hair to control embarrassing cow licks. I had hair on my head but it was so short and no one noticed the deficiencies. 

For me this is coming full circle. I used to wear a crew cut when I was young but not by choice. I come from a large family and I had 5 brothers along with my two sisters. Can you imagine the cost of paying for 6 haircuts every couple of weeks? My dad decided to save money and cut our hair. He tried but would get frustrated and just take the clippers and clean off all the hair on our hair leaving short stubble. It was really a contrast to all the guys in my school who were wearing greased up pompadours. I would have looked so cool with hair full of Brylcreem and always combing it. Kind of like the “Fonz.” Ok, maybe not that cool but I would have been cooler looking than Timmy from Lassie. 

I have always been out of step with the hair fashion of the day. When I finally could pay for a real barber to cut my hair I thought I could finally grow it longer like my friends in high school. Unfortunately my father was not on the same page. He actually used the old “as long as you’re living under my roof” threat. As a result, my hair was a little longer than a crew cut and nowhere near to what Mick Jagger was sporting. Should probably be thankful, it saved me from a life of having to wear leather pants.

I finally reached an age where I could move out on my own and grow my hair as long as I wanted but…yes, there’s a but…I got drafted into the Army. Not a great place to grow a thick mane of hair like Micheal Landon (Bonanza, Little House on the Prairie, Highway to Heaven). I envied his hair so much. I couldn’t wait until I could grow mine the same way.

Everyone knows what the Army does to a new recruit. Just like my dad, they grab your chin and clip it all off. Any progress I made in my hair growth over the past decade was wiped away. I think they made you face a mirror while they were doing it just to rub it in. I guess I should consider myself lucky. There were some draftees with hair that looked like it had been growing unchecked for years only to see it end up in a pile on the floor. Yes, there was crying.

I did my patriotic duty for two years and was discharged into the world of men’s shoulder length hair. It was my chance to grow my hair as long as I wanted. I could grow it long and straight like James Taylor (currently very bald). How about the thick locks of the legendary Doors lead man, Jim Morrison? It only took a few weeks to realize that wasn’t going to happen. As soon as it hit the top of my ears, instead of covering them, it turned up in a flip. Since I was a redhead, it looked like I donned a Bozo the Clown wig. All I needed was over size shoes and a rubber nose and I could have joined the circus. I was devastated, especially since I had invested heavily in hair products, trimming scissors and combs. I guess I could become a dog groomer on the side.

As the years passed, all that out of control hair I had started to desert me and thin…or maybe it’s just moving. As I got older, I noticed I had hair growing in places I didn’t think could possibly exist. I was taking a hike with my shirt off one day and sightings of a balding Sasquatch exploded. Now when I go to the barber, the easiest and shortest part of my visit is cutting the hair on the top of my head. He’s trimming my ears, nose, neck and who knows what. Since my eyebrows have decided to grow like weeds in a vegetable garden, I thought I would let them just go crazy. One day I should be able to comb them up and over all the baldness on the top of my head. Still have cases of Brylcreem stored away in the basement that should come in handy.

©2020 BBRiley