Unfortunately I have contracted a dreaded malady. No it’s not the Covid-19. I’ve been held up in my bunker now for months, avoiding all human contact…except for that time I went out with the guys for a beer, or when I went to the beach…uh, never mind. It’s an affliction that affects all writers at one time, writer’s block. For all of you out there reading this who say I have a continuing case of writer’s block…very funny. If my mind wasn’t so blank right now, I would have a witty comeback.
I am pretty sure all great writers have suffered this embarrassing situation. Hemingway probably was staring off into the distance for months before a bell tolled and finally gave him a great idea for a book. According to a reliable source, Shakespeare was struggling to come up with a story about two star crossed lovers. Some of the ideas he rejected were When Harry Met Sally, Harold and Maud and Bonnie and Clyde, before he settled on Romeo and Bertha. Still needed some work but it was a start. Who was my reliable source? Someone at the OANN network.
When I write one of these articles, I’m basically just sharing something I observed in my everyday life. Maybe that’s why I’ve run out of ideas. My life has become really boring. With trying to avoid human contact as much as possible, I have nothing to pick at. If there’s no one on my lawn, who am I going to yell at to get off of it. Kind of like the adage about a tree falling in the forest and no one is there to hear it. If I don’t have any subject matter, is there something to write?
When I wrote a monthly column for a magazine, getting ideas was not an issue. For each article, my publisher tried to come up with the craziest idea he could think of in an effort to stump me. I had to write about cell phone towers. He told me to write reviews of shopping mall food courts. One month i visit a bunch of farmers markets and tried to make them interesting. He once sent me to a day spa. It was embarrassing sitting there with what was basically salad dressing on my face and cucumbers covering my eyes. I was so hungry when I finished.
At times I have debated with myself on writing about politics. There is a pool of story ideas out there but do I dare dip into it. Something crazy is going on every day and it would be so easy to give into the dark side and become a political writer but I won’t. The one thing with writing about politics is that there are many sides to every story and there is no way on earth that whatever you write will not piss someone off. My right wing friends will think I’m a bleeding heart liberal. My liberal friends will think I’m a goose stepping fascist. My wife will be angry at me because our friends quit talking to us and whoever’s side I did take in my article will complain that I didn’t go far enough. If I wanted this kind of punishment, I would have become a politician.
I guess I could write about what’s on television but that won’t work. Thanks to the pandemic, television has again become a vast wasteland. New shows are delayed until production can start up again. Right now we depend on Netflix and Amazon Prime for most of our viewing. Many of the shows are foreign languages and have subtitles. I have a problem walking and chewing gum. Trying to watch the show and at the same time read subtitles gives me a headache. We have gone back and streamed some shows from decades past but they are so dated. I did notice one thing. We have been watching the original Magnum P.I. I guess I missed the point the first time the show ran but it is such a flagrant display of beefcake. They have a young Tom Selleck running around in just a pair of shorts most of the time and his sidekicks are also required to be shirtless as much as possible. I’m not saying they did that for the ratings but even if he was an accomplished Shakespearean actor, no one would notice with those broad shoulders, porn mustache, hairy chest and his butt forced into a pair of shorts two sizes too small. I should be outraged but I’m too jealous at the fact, he got all the good looks and I didn’t.
I am sure I will get over my writer’s block soon and have something pithy and funny for my next post. For the time being, I ask your forgiveness for writing about nothing. Wait, just thought of a witty comeback for the critics of my writing…Says who? That should put them in their place.
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