I am sure all my readers have been wondering where I have been for the last few weeks. Anybody? Apparently no one has been wondering where I have been for the last few weeks. As punishment, I will be telling you where I have been the last few weeks. Could I be a bit more redundant?
I have taken a little time off from my blog for some other “business.” You’ll be expecting me to tell you what but I can’t do that. You might say, in my free time I’m an international man of mystery. I might do some freelance work for a government security agency that is identified by three letters. The first one is “C”, the last one is “A” and I’ll let you work out the other one. (I’m sure nobody will be able to figure it out. I should be safe.)
Did I hear someone scream out “Ruthless assassin for hire?” I can neither confirm nor deny that rumor but it sounds pretty cool to me. I will describe some of the things I have been dealing with and let you try and put the pieces together.
Being an alleged famous secret agent (seems like an oxymoron) is not always hanging out at casinos on the Riviera, drinking martinis shaken, not stirred or driving the hottest cars. There are chores that keep me busy. I have to take my tuxedos to the cleaners every week. One for each day. Do you realize how dirty they get when pursuing questionable characters through the back alleys and dark streets of countries not so friendly to ours. It’s amazing how much dirt shows up on black. Unfortunately, it’s a requirement for my “side” job. You’d be surprised how flexible a tailored tuxedo can be when using martial arts to dispatch your arch enemy’s henchmen.
It’s no fun to wait at the dealership while my high-end European sports car is being repaired. Do you know how much it costs to get bullet holes fixed? I do have one gripe about my special ride. It does look sexy but I asked for rocket launchers and instead, I got an ejector seat. How hard is it to get a fully loaded rocket launcher?
Even though it’s for only a short time, travel can take a lot of man-about-the-world. I have one complaint. I would once like to depart a plane at the airport gate instead of having to parachute out of it.
Trying to be a cold blooded, ruthless hit-man during a pandemic does have its challenges. You can’t get close up to dispatch the bad guy. Have to keep my social distance. No knives, black jacks or brass knuckles. I’m forced to use the special pen that fires poisoned darts. Do you know how hard it is to hit someone with a dart shot from a pen at six feet? Besides that, how can I give my famous steely look of resolve as I finish off one of the villainous kingpins, when I have to wear a mask. Really puts a damper on the moment.
Just to let you know, it’s not all like it is in the movies. For one, I’m much better looking than those guys they pick for the lead in their films. I’m also taller. All those guys look bigger but that is the magic of the camera. Meet one of them in real life and they are just a bit taller than a 7 year old. The assignments they show in the movies are pretty much on point. From the bottom of the ocean, to the highest mountain and trips into space do happen, all while wearing my trusty tuxedo. I did give up the sexy, smoking part. Don’t want to set a bad example for all those young people who idolize me, even though my whole life is a secret and completely off the books.
I guess I can tell you a little about one of my adventures. I was tied to a chair in the backroom of a seedy Bangkok bar, being tortured (that blood on my tuxedo collar is going to be hard to remove) when my beautiful colleague burst into the room spraying it with live fire from an automatic… WHAT…wait…mumpf…who just whacked me. Oh, my wife just poked me. I must have dozed off at my computer while writing an article about my summer vacation. I see copy…hope I didn’t write something too silly. So, what did I do on my summer vacation…
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