I like a free lunch like any other guy. Why pay for something when someone else is willing to foot the bill. I have a rare physical condition called alligator arms (your arms shrink to where you can’t reach the check when it’s dropped on the table). I am thinking about starting a foundation to raise money to help fund the research for a cure for this terrible malady. It also affects NFL wide receivers who are going across the middle of the field, trying to catch a pass. When they see the monster linebacker just waiting to lay a lick on them, their arms suddenly shrink and the ball just passes by and so does the linebacker. I would contribute to find a cure for this blight but my arms are not long enough to reach my wallet, so I will have to depend on the generosity of the public to help out financially.
I’m not a cheap guy, just frugal. I’m always looking for a way to save a few bucks. For example, why spend five or six bucks on a cup of coffee from Starbucks when I can make my own at home with the coffee pods I brought home from the office. I just put it in a recycled Starbucks cup I found (and no, I won’t tell you where I found it). Now I look hip as I walk around sipping a hot cup of Joe in my Starbucks cup. Oops, it’s starting to leak. Time to walk by the local shop and pick up a new/used one. I also save a few more pennies by picking up a few packets of sweetener, little cups of creamer and pouches of salt/pepper at any restaurant I may be in (I only take as much as is on the table and my pockets will hold). Hey, they put them there to be taken, even by the guy who dropped in just to use the restroom.
Sometimes after I golf with my buddies, each of us will take a turn buying a round of beer for the group. I have really thought this out and my strategy is to keep saying, “I’ll get to the next round,” hoping my buddies are responsible and will pass because they have to drive. It never fails, there’s the one guy who rode with someone else and is downing as many brews as he can. Damn…I guess it’s better buying just one than six.
Back to free lunches. When you can’t depend on your friends to pick-up the check at the restaurant, you can always find a place that will just give you the food for free. That place would be COSTCO. All grocery stores give some free samples. Trader Joe’s even has a small area dedicated to preparing and handing out small portions of cuisine to taste. I remember the first time I went into a COSTCO. It was like walking into a foodie Disneyland. At the end of each food aisle, someone with a small kiosk, dressed in a uniform, was preparing samples of one of the many fine food products offered in this very large box store. Just amazing.
I always start with some kind of appetizer. A slice of cheese, a cracker with a dollop of something or a dip accompanied by a chip. I then move on to my full meal. I start with a salad of some sort. Like potato salad, coleslaw or maybe a crab salad. Then I move on to the main dish and some kind of side dish. Both are piping hot and delicious. I top it off with dessert. It could be a slice of an ice cream bar, a little cup of pudding or fruits with a dessert topping. While my wife is hunting down the essentials of life, like the 84 pack of toilet paper or a vacuum sealed card of 24 toothbrushes, I will be deftly moving around the food section, trying not to look too greedy, working on my day’s lunch. The portions are small so I may have to make several laps around this labyrinth while being clever enough to change my appearance, just a touch, so it is not obvious. Once I’ve had my fill of these fine culinary delights, I head out to find my wife. Along the way, I return the hats and jackets to the clothes section that I borrowed to disguise my appearance. Go ahead, show me a law that says I can’t try on some clothing and just happen to walk by the food section before taking them off. I’m also responsible. If I happen to stain one of the clothing items, I put it at the bottom of the pile so any unsuspecting customer doesn’t pick it up…while I’m still in the store.
My wife may be catching on. While she thinks I am on a strict diet, she has noticed I haven’t lost any weight and never eat lunch at home. I guess she figured it out when I said “let’s have a date night,” and we stopped at the COSTCO for dinner before going to the movies.
Unfortunately, due to the pandemic, COSTCO has suspended their free food samples for the time being. An unfortunate result of this is that I am now losing weight. I don’t go to COSTCO to diet.
There is an alternative. Our COSTCO is back to offering their “hot dog” special. I think for about $1.50 you get a hot dog and a drink. Not a bad price but how do I get out of paying for it. Simple, I ask my wife if she would like one, then claim I left my wallet at home and she pays for both. (She doesn’t read this blog, does she?)
My choices for a free lunch are dwindling but my new foundation will be going strong soon. I think I will have to have a business lunch, every day, to discuss issues facing my Alligator Arms charity. I’ll just put my lunches in my expense account. Gotta go. Just saw a Starbucks cup blowing across the parking lot.
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