I know that winter is just around the corner but that is not going to stop me from sharing my thoughts on grilling. For all those folks bundled up against the cold, east of the Sierra Nevada Mountains, I live in Southern California and, yes, I can grill all year long. It’s just like golfing, taking walks, going to the ocean and, if I have an aneurysm, going to the mountains and playing in the snow. Really, why would I do that? I trashed my long pants and long sleeve shirts years ago and only wear Hawaiian shirts and shorts.
I was one of those people watching the Rose Bowl one New Year’s Day and saw the sunny blue skies and everybody dressed as it was summer. I also saw people tailgating at the Rose Bowl Game grilling brats, hamburgers and steaks in January. I wanted a piece of that.
I have been grilling since I first got married. Why? Because I was told grilling is what the man in a loving relationship does. I was young and stupid and never thought to question such a strong stereotype. I was also told I have to clean the garage, wash the cars, cut the lawn and reach for things on the highest shelf in the kitchen and carry the heaviest items from the store just because I’m a man. Being the modern, well informed, up-to-date guy that I am I said…OK.
Grilling is not so bad. It is just another opportunity for guys to head out to one of those home improvement stores and shop for a new toy. I’ve had a variety of grills and they have changed over the years. A man’s grill usually reflects his financial standing in the community. When I first started I had one of those small charcoal grills that was round, about a foot off the ground, with a round pan to hold the hot charcoal and the rack on top. That’s all I could afford for a newlywed. As time went by my grills got nicer as my financial status improved. My last grill was a four burner, gas grill with a side burner for pots, a temperature gauge and a starter. Pretty cool eh? Unfortunately it has finally bitten the dust and has been transported to the local dump (No, not the side of the highway, a real dump. I can be responsible. It’s not like dumping an old couch or mattress.)
This past weekend I ended up at the local home improvement store and started my search for my new grill. It’s going to be difficult. It’s like buying a car. They’re shiny and come with a variety of extras. The first grill I saw was basically the same grill I just disposed of but with some tweaking. As I moved down the line of the grills on sale, they started to improve and the prices started going up. I stopped at one grill that really intrigued me. It was the same brand I had owned before but with all kinds of “new technology.” Notice when something is added to a grill (or any item you want to buy) it’s called “new technology”. Besides having the side burner, starter button, temperature gauge and doors on the front that hides the propane bottle, it also had a porcelain coated pan for easy cleaning and slotted pans above the burners that reduce flare ups. It also had new “infrared technology” and a button dedicated to it. Was I able to find anything on the display grill that explained how the “infrared technology” worked? No, I wasn’t. In fact I was confused. I decided to go to the company’s web site where it said it would be explained and again, just found raves about the new 21st century discovery but nothing to explain how it worked. The one thing I did discover is that this “infrared technology” doubled the price of the grill as compared to one without it. Damn, I gotta get me this grill.
I don’t care if I don’t understand it, I will figure it out one day. The one thing I know about it is my friend doesn’t have it on his grill and I can gloat a little (OK, a lot).
My new grill will be arriving in a few days and some assembly is required. Translated: You better have a degree in engineering to get this thing up and running. It never fails, I always have a few nuts, bolts and attachments left over. I do save them just in case one day I discover where they go when a piece of the grill falls off for no apparent reason.
My grill will be on display in the backyard where all my neighbors can see it. I’m sure they will be filled with jealousy and will be wanting to run out a get the next best grill for their yard. Just think of it as me stimulating the economy. A rush on new grills will help raise the GDP (Gross Domestic Product) in the next quarter.
Now that I have a new grill, it’s time to share my grilling tips. It’s very simple, fire up the grill, get it hot enough to melt iron and throw whatever meat you want on it. When it is close to looking like that coal you get in your stocking every Christmas, it’s time to serve your guests. Don’t worry about all your neighbors out of their house due to the smoke you are creating, they all have smoke detectors.
Have to go. Tracking weather patterns for this year’s Rose Parade and Rose Bowl Game. Hoping for torrential rains, and hurricane force winds. Don’t want any more people looking for refuge out here from winter. We’re already too crowded.
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