Hey…I’m down here. I’ve decided to spend the rest of 2020 in my bunker. We have just under two weeks to go and I can’t take any more bad news. If I’m hiding in a concrete lined hole in the ground and can’t hear the bad news, then it must not have happened. I think I will be staying there until that Big Apple drops down the pole in Times Square in New York City.
How do I have a bunker to retreat to? I am old enough to remember the days in school when we had drills in case of a nuclear attack from the Soviets. The local air raid siren would go off and we would all scramble under our school desks and wrap our arms around our legs. In case of a real attack, I guess it made it easier to identify the piles of ciders left by the fiery holocaust, if our remains were in an orderly manner based on a seating chart. But I digress. In those days of the cold war, many families built their own bomb shelters in the backyard. They would stock it up with supplies that could last for years. Canned food, water, medications and, I’m sure, toilet paper. Just in case, I’m heading to the local COSTCO to buy several of their 100 roll packages. While I’m there, I guess I will stock up on a few thousand cans of canned beans, even though the 60 year old ones in the shelter are still in good shape. Can never have enough.
Why am I hiding? Because 2020 has been one of the crappiest years (yes, I used the crap word) I have ever seen. I have had a couple of challenging years in my personal life but I can’t think of a year this bad since Coca Cola decided to stop the production of Coke and introduce New Coke. Now that was a disaster.
Since January, we have had a constant stream of bad news, which included a pandemic, a complete collapse of our economy, constantly being on the verge of a war somewhere, families facing food shortages, police shootings and all my favorite TV shows being in endless reruns since they can’t film new episodes. I’m sure you all feel the same way.
I have also experienced a larger than usual wave of personal bad news. Several of my friends and family have been diagnosed with life threatening illnesses. I have personally lost a large chunk of income as a result of the pandemic and ensuing recession and the business I worked for over a quarter of a century and retired from, has closed its doors for the same reasons. I’m in good enough financial shape to get by, the people I worked with for years are not so lucky and have lost their primary source of income. I’m getting calluses on my knees from all the praying I’m doing for friends, relatives and the world.
So, like any good ostrich, I intend to bury my head in the sand and not come up until the New Year. Can I guarantee it won’t be just as bad? I can not. I will also not say “It can’t get any worse.” I must have said that 100 times last year and, you guessed it, it got worse.
If you are asking me if I think 2021 is going to be better, I have no idea, but I think there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In the last few days, several vaccines have been approved to fight the Covid-19 virus. Voters have decided to turn over a new leaf and a new administration will be taking over on January 20th. Once people get vaccinated, they will be able to get out and start spending money again which will mean the economy can begin to recover, but I will not say 2021 will be better. That’s like talking about your favorite team’s pitcher having a no-hitter in the eight inning. That is the kiss of death. Never fails, the next batter breaks it up. I don’t want to be the guy breaking up in 2021.
My bunker will be the picture of comfort. I have several beds with very soft mattresses, a place to read, a shelf filled with VHS tapes of my favorite movies, as long as they were made before 1980 and a fully equipped kitchen to whip up a tasty meal whenever I want.
That wall over there is lined with water bottles so I can stay hydrated. This pile here is my stack of cases of the 99 packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. On the other wall are the cabinets filled with the cans of beans I plan to survive on. Over there is the brand new ventilation system just in case I do eat all those beans.
The one problem with my new hideaway is that my wi-fi signal from the main house sucks. How am I supposed to be isolated from the outside world if I can’t stream my favorite shows, follow Twitter and text funny memes? Don’t want to miss the final episodes of the Mandalorin in Star Trek Discovery. Just in case I don’t see you before I descend into my personal “Fortress of Solitude,” I want to wish all three of you that read this column a blessed holiday season and, hopefully, a much better new year. See you in January.
Damn, just realized…I sealed the door but left my can opener back in the house.
©2020 BBRiley.net
bbriley.net 