It’s award season! OK, I can hear the loud yawns out there but I like award season. I watch most of these award shows to see if my favorite movie, song, TV show or actor takes home a prestigious golden trophy, marking their accomplishment in their craft. It’s important for our society to recognize the arts and award them appropriately. With that said, I really watch to see the acerbic comedians skewering the Hollywood elite and also to judge how well they dress when they go to these events. Seeing some of the outfits attendees wear, I could create a better gown than some of these so-called fashion designers. I have a drop cloth in the garage that would make Julia Roberts look just fabulous. The different color spots are from the paint projects I have used it for. I will be called a genius.
When talking about movies, the blockbusters we all love and most of us go see, are passed over for awards. In the not-to-distant past, epics like Ben-Hur, Spartacus and The Ten Commandments were both box office giants and award hoarding juggernauts. Nothing like guys in skimpy gladiator outfits to generate Oscar buzz. Russell Crowe proved that in 2000 with his Oscar for Gladiator. I did not mention the movie Titanic, with its huge box office and record setting award count, because Kate Winslet could have let Leonardo DiCaprio on that floating door but chose to let him turn into a human pop cycle instead. I know, Director James Cameron needed “Jack” dead to have the tear jerking ending he wanted but this implausible plot twist was unforgivable…but I digress. Today’s blockbusters seem to be ignored and the awards tend to go to small films that come out just before the deadline for award consideration and nobody sees. Why can’t Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star Wars and The Avengers get the same recognition movies like The Green Book, The Help or Parasite (Isn’t that a remake of a Steve McQueen horror movie from the 1950s?). In today’s world, if people like a movie and flood theaters to watch it, critics and award voters see that as a poison pill for award consideration.
The Academy Awards is not the only awards show going. We also have the Golden Globes, an excuse for the entertainment industry and press to put their differences aside for a free dinner and lots of alcohol. The Grammys are the pinnacle award for those in the music industry. It is also an excuse for attendees to dress in the most outrageous way possible. From Country stars sporting their farmyard formal to hip hop stars wearing outfits that look more like a school kids science fair project, with a few normal tuxedos and gowns thrown in. We also have the Screen Actors Guild awards where everyone calls themselves “actor” and skip the gender part because that’s what enlighten liberals do these days.
While watching these shows, I began to wonder what is the top award for writers. Where can I be recognized for my in-depth, hard hitting reporting I do with this column (stop laughing). After doing a little research, I found that the prestigious Pulitzer Prize is the end all award for many writers. It was established in 1917 by provisions in the will of Joseph Pulitzer, who had made his fortune as a newspaper publisher and is administered by Columbia University. Prizes are awarded yearly in multiple categories with a cash reward or a gold medal. I began to wonder, why haven’t I won a Pulitzer Prize yet…and I could buy a new cool car with the cash prize.
After some research, I discovered that to qualify for a Pulitzer all I need to do is enter one of my pieces for consideration with a $75 entry fee. That sounds easy enough. Doesn’t say it has to be submitted by someone else and I’m pretty sure I can dig up $75 by giving up my beer ration for about a week. Their standards can’t be that high, especially if it only costs $75 to enter?
One hang up is that it has to fit into one of their very specific categories. There are 21 categories I could possibly submit my entry in. After reviewing the choices, I eliminated all the ones that required documentation and accuracy (the truth, how inconvenient) and was left with Commentary. It is defined as “For distinguished commentary, using any available journalistic tool.”
I think I qualify for this. I comment on things and I use all kinds of journalistic tools. I have a computer with spell check and a vivid imagination…just like those commentators at FOX news. I may just take a shot at winning myself a Pulitzer Prize. Every time my name is mentioned it will be preceded by Pulitzer Prize winning columnist B.B.Riley. Kind of like what the Queen does to people she likes in England by making them a knight. Everyone has to say Sir before their name. It seems like those Pulitzer people could come up with something a bit shorter to put in front of my name so people know I’m a prize winner. How about “The Winner?”
I am sure there is a big glitzy award show for handing out Pulitzer prizes. I’m going to have to start getting ready. How could I possibly lose. First I have to find a tuxedo that fits. I also have to be ready for when they ask me “who“ am I wearing while walking the red carpet. My answer will be the “Salvation Army.” I’ll have my acceptance speech ready. There’ll be thank yous to everyone I ever met for helping me win this special award. I will also have to make a social comment of some sort so people think I’m in touch with reality (yea, sure). I could be for grocery cart retrieval from bus stops, so they can get back to the supermarket where they belong. When they try to play me off with music when my speech goes too long, I’ll be ready. I bought myself a pair of tap shoes (That Salvation Army is so handy) and I will come up with a dance routine for the music, while I finish my speech. I’m sure by the time I get done they will like me, they’ll really like me.
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