I try my best to avoid talking about politics in this column but I can no longer avoid talking about the crisis we have at our border. Aliens are pouring over our border, taking our jobs, crowding native born Americans out of their neighborhoods and living amongst us while injecting their foreign ways into our lifestyle. The worst part is that every administration has let this happen for decades without saying a word about it. Sure, I can live with allowing a few of them to come in as temporary workers, but as soon as the job is done, send them back to their homeland and purge our society of their wicked ways. I’m talking about the long, unprotected boundary between us and the hoards of Canadians coming into this country. Wait, who did you think I was talking about?
This is the real crisis facing our country right now. Do you know how many actors on our television shows and in our movies are Canadians? They get away with it because unlike the people coming over the Mexican border, Canadians look the way Republicans want everybody in this country to look. They also sound like us (well most of them do, except those Frenchie ones from Quebec). All they have to do is change saying “oot and aboot” to the American “out and about” and nobody will know they’re an evil foreigner taking away American jobs.
Everybody thinks Canadians are “nice.” I disagree. Have you ever seen Canada’s national game, hockey? Trust me, as a hockey fan, I know for a fact that those players are not nice. Think about it. They put big, highly skilled athletes on a sheet of ice, wearing a pair of butcher knives on their feet and hand them a weapon. They speed around an ice rink with walls and try to slam their opponents into said walls or attack them with the stick they have in their hands. They also tend to get into a lot of fights which the officials skate away from rather than try to stop. You know it’s not about scoring because that rarely happens. It’s a blast to watch but not nice.
I am all for letting these temporary Canadian workers into our country to fill the rosters of our American teams in the NHL (and there are more teams in the good Ole USA than there is in the birthplace of the game, Canada). When the season is over, send them all back to the frozen wasteland they call home.
Speaking of the frozen wasteland aspect of our northern neighbor, that has led to a housing crisis in the United States. Winter can be pretty nasty north of the border. Think about it. How would you like to live in a country where if you want to go south to get away from the winter weather, you will end up in Toronto, Ontario. Not the sunshine state of Canada. This leads to all these frozen Canucks (nickname for Canadians) to head south of the border to warm up. Around October, they travel to Palm Springs, Hawaii, Arizona and Florida to thaw out. Problem is, they take up all the available rentals leaving Americans in the cold (see what I did there) and out of luck for the middle of the winter vacation. I live near Palm Springs and as a result of all these “snowbirds” flocking to our desert resorts (I’m a punning fool), they are taking up all the rooms and driving up the prices on the golf courses by filling up all the tee times. Unlike Americans who might stay for a week or two, these snowbirds stay all winter. A few years ago, Palm Springs was having a problem with many of these Canadian visitors overstaying their allotted time and refusing to return to their homeland. It really must be cold in Canada if these snowbirds are willing to stay here with all the bullets flying around the States.
Our country is filled with Canadians, making a living passing themselves off as Americans. Howie Mandel is a judge on “American Has Talent,” not “Canada Has Talent,” America.
William Shatner portrayed the All American Captain Kirk on Star Trek. He had dropped the nice guy image to battle all those space aliens.
Neil Young has been writing and singing songs about all the problems in America for decades but he’s a Canadian. Why doesn’t he go home and write a song about that beard Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, has grown. Now there’s a problem that needs to be addressed.
Canadian actor Seth Rogan is down here trying to take the “Pot Head” title away from a true American, Snoop Dog. How dare he.
Kiefer Sutherland has portrayed American secret agent Jack Bauer fighting terrorism and then moved on to play the President of the United States in the ABC show “Designated Survivor.” I thought there were laws against that.
Did you know Ryan Renyolds who plays the all American superhero Deadpool is from British Columbia. Yes this iconic comic book character is being portrayed by a Canadian from a place that has British in its name. My wife has a solution for that. She says we should claim the murdering, blood thirsty, gun-toting, foul mouthed anti-hero is really Canadian. She might be right. Americans already have a bad enough reputation due to our mass shooting, but I doubt anyone will buy Deadpool being Canadian.
I believe these snowbirds and actors are just the tip of the spear. Those “nice” Canadians are planning an invasion of our sovereign land. Are they paying Mexico to flood our southern border, distracting us from the true enemy from the north? Canada started the invasion by sending down their disgusting and loud Canada geese to nest on our southern golf courses. They foul the greens with their droppings and keep us awake all night with their honking. They next sent the snowbirds to infiltrate our resort regions to do reconnaissance. After that, they secretly sent a group of enforcers to beat up a few of our Americans to let us know they are a serious force. That would be their hockey players. Have you noticed hockey teams popping up in Tampa Bay, Phoenix and Los Angeles? Think about it. Their final push is to invade and occupy places like Palm Springs, Maui, Palm Beach and all of the gulf coast, then annex the regions to Canada as their newest province.
I’m a bit concerned about our country being protected from such an invasion. There are plenty of militias located in our northern states along the border that are armed to the teeth and claiming their job is to protect the sovereignty of our country. None of these militias have lifted a finger to stop this invasion. The last I saw of them, they were trying to overthrow the United States government. Are they really secret Canadian military outfits? Did Canada plant them in these states because it is so much easier to get firearms and ammunition here? Am I pissed off and made this all up because I couldn’t get a tee time at my favorite course in the desert due to all the Canadians crowding the place? I’m sure this will end up on a Qanon site by the end of the week and the Canadians will start heading home. Just saying.
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