I’m taking a little break from standing at the end of a freeway offramp with my little cardboard sign to talk to you about taxes. Yes, I have been forced to come up with a snappy little slogan on an old piece of corrugated cardboard in hopes you’ll throw spare change at me before that yellow light changes. If you don’t, you’ll have to look at my pathetic appearance and sad, puppy dog eyes during a long red light. Why do I do this? So I can pay my taxes.
“Nothing is certain but death and taxes.” This well known proverb generally attributed to Benjamin Franklin pretty much sums up this time of year. Tax day, though delayed a month again this year due to the pandemic, is May 17th and most everyone is dreading it.
I should make clear that I don’t like dealing with taxes but I am not against paying taxes. I believe they’re a necessary evil that makes our life in this great country very comfortable. There will always be arguments about if we are paying too much or not enough and that is fine. I just know that if I pay my taxes, the fire department will show up when I set my garage on fire while trying to deep fry a turkey. Have to admit, it had a bit of a smoky flavor.
For those who think we should pay no taxes at all, I will just say they are delusional. Taxes provide us with services that we could not get on our own. These are the same people who gripe when the police don’t respond fast enough, cities don’t fix the potholes in the streets, and when they get sent to a gulag in North Dakota after the Russians invade and take over. Have you been to North Dakota? It makes Siberia look cosmopolitan.
How about that great health care we get…oh, sorry, that was meant for my Canadian friends.
Even though I don’t mind paying my fair share of taxes, the act of preparing my paperwork drives me to nightmares. I did prepare my own taxes, decades ago. That is when all I had to do was go to the post office, get a 1040 card, fill it out, attach my W2 and send it in. I always got a tax refund and life was simple and easy. Of course I didn’t make much money and was looking up at the poverty line, but never realized I was that broke. Ignorance is bliss.
I moved up in the world, got better jobs, earned more money and eventually started my own business. Now that was a big mistake. I was a starry eye entrepreneur who thought starting my own company would allow me to do the work I love without answering to a boss. Boy was I, and millions of others, naive. My business did OK and my partner and I were busy with a lot of work. The business also required someone to keep track of the money going in, paying the bills, and how much we had left over to pay ourselves. I became the business manager of the company and ended up hiring someone to do the graphic arts that I thought I would be doing. It also required many new forms when it was time to file our taxes. No more one page tax returns. We had to use an accountant to get our taxes ready. By the time she was done, our tax return was just a little thicker than “Great Expectations.”
I’m not even going to try to explain the details. I will just say she finished the paperwork, we signed the front sheet, it was mailed in, and I’m still not in jail. I consider that a win.
I have been audited though. That was the scariest letter I have ever received. Even scarier than the induction notice I received when I was drafted into the Army (Just gave away my age. Today’s young men think a draft is just for football players trying to get to the NFL).
Again, not being very good with numbers, I depended on my accountant to handle this inquisition (A perfectly coined adjective for the situation). The two IRS representatives came to my office, made many demands, including coffee and doughnuts, and proceeded to rifle through as much of my paperwork as possible. My very capable representative stayed close to them, accommodated as much as possible (so as not to piss them off) then asked to see their calculations after they claimed I owed them an additional $5,000. After a few minutes and a discussion with the two agents, they left and the final result was the IRS actually owed me $1500. Take that Big Brother. How many of you can say you beat the IRS at their game. I would brag more but I’m afraid they’ll come back and demand one of my kidneys or something.
I am no longer in business for myself but over the years I have accumulated a nice little nest egg. Instead of business, I have investments. Because of this, I still can’t do my own taxes. The finished return is now as big as the Encyclopedia Britannica and I have to pay the accountant who put my taxes together more than what I pay in taxes. Wait, is that a good thing?
Have to get going before someone takes my spot at the end of the off ramp. Let me count up my takings from before. $2.79! Whoa, that’s not paying the IRS. My card says “Make too much money and need help paying my tax bill. Please help!”
You think I should change that?
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