Making dinner is a challenge for many people in this world. Some folks, like my wife, are gifted cooks who can scrounge through the refrigerator and cupboards and make a feast. Then there are people like me who depend on finding the phone number for the local Domino’s pizza so the family doesn’t starve. I have to admit I can be creative in preparing dinner. Sometimes I change it up and dig up the phone number for the local Chinese take-out place. Variety is the spice of life. This may also explain why my wife is happy to make a homemade dinner so often. I don’t understand. It’s so much work and I’m willing to exercise my dialing finger to help out.
Considering how I try to avoid the pots and pans in the kitchen, it is ironic that I have come to enjoy watching the Cooking Network. My favorite shows are the competition formats. This is where the shows choose gourmet chefs from all around the country and have them compete against each other in hopes of winning a cash prize. The exception to this may be Guy’s Grocery Games. The show, hosted by Diner, Drive-ins and Dives host Guy Fieri, invites quite a few cooks from the nation’s greasy spoons to compete. I’m sure if his show was required to list Nutrition Facts, the fat, calorie and cholesterol content would be through the roof of its make-believe grocery store. It might be better named, “Introduction to a Heart Attack.” Maybe that’s why I like this show so much. It’s kind of like “comfort food” nirvana.
The other offerings on the Food Network are Beat Bobby Flay and Chopped. The former’s premise is where two chefs compete for the chance to take on Iron Chef, Bobby Flay, in a final cook off. The challenger gets to choose the dish and for 40 minutes they work on their dish while celebrity guest judges harass Bobby Flay in an effort to throw him off his game so the challenger can win. Unfortunately, Bobby usually prevails. Like Las Vegas, don’t expect to be a winner when you’re in the host’s house. Bobby Flay didn’t become a multi-million dollar host on the Food Network by cooking mediocre dishes. I’m still trying to find a betting site that takes bets on this competition. Guess I’ll go back to making stupid bets on football games…aka, betting on my Chicago Bears. Never going to win doing that.
The ladder show, Chopped, is the strangest format. They start with four chefs and the competition starts with them opening picnic baskets with unusual ingredients and they’re instructed to make a gourmet dish. It is three rounds, starting with an appetizer, then entree and finishing up with a dessert. After each round, the judges eliminate one contestant. There are usually four ingredients and they can be quite unusual. The contestant may be told to make an entree and then given moon pies, gummi worms, some exotic pre-cooked meat and popcorn. If I saw that I would say, “What the f@#$*?”
Instead, these chefs go through their baskets and start talking about what they intend to do with these weird items. They do have access to unlimited essentials like spices, dairy products, milk, etc., then get to work on their entree. While they are cooking, they have cameras in their faces and nosy judges poking around their work station. All of their challenges and mistakes are documented for the audience and as a watcher, you are convinced that the chef’s dish was going to taste like cooked shoe leather. They are on the clock and through clever editing, it appears they come down to the last possible second to finish their creation. It’s amazing that the show doesn’t capture a steady stream of profanities as the contestants struggle to finish in time. Well, at least that’s what I would @#$%^&# do!
In one episode, one of the chefs tasked with creating a gourmet dinner out of a basket full of questionable ingredients, badly cut his thumb. You would think the producers of the show would suspend taping and attend to the injury but no, they kept the cameras rolling. While this guy is bleeding all over the place the host and three arrogant judges added play-by-play of the guy holding his badly injured hand and commenting on how much time he was losing as a result. Considering that all these contestants are playing with very sharp toys as they prepare their cuisine, it is not surprising that someone got injured. The show did have enough smarts to have a medic on site. While the other three contestants worked around the injured chef, the medics bandaged up this poor guy’s hand so he could continue. The addiction of winning $10,000 is pretty strong. He did get back to work, cut some corners (pardon the pun) and finished his dish. When he was asked what he would do if he won the $10,000 prize, the chef answered that he intended to take his family on a grand vacation. I expected him to say he was going to have his thumb surgically reattached. If he didn’t win, he would need that thumb to hitchhike to Disney World.
Now, let’s talk about the judges. I’m pretty sure there are only 6 judges and they move from show to show. It doesn’t matter what show I am watching, one of them is on, and they drive me nuts. After the contestant chefs work their butt off for 20 to 40 minutes to create a feast out of impossible ingredients, they are quick to find issues. What do they expect? The poor chefs were given things that most people would never consume in real life, even if they were starving. They’re tasked with satisfying some snooty, self indulgent judge with a dish good enough to serve in one of the judges’ overpriced restaurants. Geez! The terms that irritate me the most are when they want more acid or heat. Best example: The contestant is told to create an ice cream dessert out of items that would never be used in a dessert, in the real world, and the judges complain that there isn’t enough heat. Ice cream and heat is an oxymoron. Who wants chili pepper (I know, redundant) in their ice cream. Another judge wants more acid. Really, what happened to the “sweet treat” aspect of dessert? There are some of us in this world that can’t handle that kind of heat in any dish. Ask my wife as she is checking on me through the bathroom door.
I still watch these shows. It’s kind of like me watching my beloved Chicago Bears. I know it’s torture and I scream at the television but it’s a great stress relief.
So I decided to have some fun with my wife the other night. Just before it was time to start dinner, I presented her with a picnic basket with some crazy ingredients and told her she had twenty minutes to make dinner. A half hour later I was ordering a large, raw steak at a very expensive and trendy restaurant to put on the huge welt on my forehead. Shouldn’t have put the tenderizing tool in the basket.
©2021 BBRiley.net
bbriley.net 