This blog thing has not worked out the way I thought it would. By this time I thought I would have millions of followers, be recognized as a national influencer, and I would be making all kinds of money from ads running on my blog. I also thought I would be invited to be on Dancing with the Stars, make multitudes of public appearances for big fees and become one of those talking heads on all those cable news shows. Hey, I have a poorly formed opinion on everything. I would be perfect. Why hasn’t morning Joe called yet? I should have moved into my luxurious and spacious estate in the Hollywood hills by now.
Who do I blame? I blame the three or four people that read this blog on a regular basis. You could’ve done a better job of spreading my fame by word of mouth. Do I have to do all the heavy lifting by myself?
It’s time for me to start making money from this endeavor. It takes a lot of bucks to keep up the proper appearance of a famous blogger. The diet Cokes I drink, the dry roasted peanuts I nibble on while writing, the $18 a year I spend to have a spot on the World Wide Web, and my wardrobe of baseball caps and T-shirts with my favorite teams logos on them do not buy themselves.
Then it hit me, I could become a celebrity endorser. Many famous actors and athletes do commercials for big time brand names. Even a few former politicians have become celebrity endorsers (Former Senator Fred Thompson for reverse mortgages). Now there’s someone you can trust. I’m sure I could be sincere and pitch a product that I have never heard of or used. Hey, if famous crackpot and vaccine denier Aaron Rodgers can endorse a product that is supposed to provide safety and security for your family, while putting everyone around him in danger by not being vaccinated and refusing to tell the truth about it, how hard could it be? (My editor says I have to qualify that last statement. I must let you know that I’ve been a lifelong Bears fan and have always hated Aaron Rodgers… well, any Green Bay Packer quarterback…even though one day he may be canonized as a saint. That’ll never happen).
Here are a few celebs doing commercials for products. Former “Desperate Housewife” star Eva Longoria pitches L‘Oréal products. Has she even acted in anything since that show ended? Michael Jordan sells for NIKE and McDonalds. The GOAT has so much money that he may own both corporations. Famous romance novel cover model, Fabio, advertises I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. Yea, I’m going to buy a tub of fake butter because some bear chested model with flowing long hair tells me to. Well, my wife might. She loves romance novels. A Of course, there’s George Clooney making ads for Nespresso coffee makers. He is so good looking I may buy one, even though I don’t drink coffee. (Did I say that out loud?) If O.J. Simpson can promote Hertz Car Rental and Bill Cosby can be spokesperson for Jello, why not me. (My editor says, “Really?”)
I guess the way to get this ball rolling is to find a product that I have personally used and have confidence in to endorse. Let me see, what is laying around here and needs a boost in sales by my special form of celebrity, maybe hair products. The fact that I’m bald shouldn’t be a problem. I still have luscious, thick eyebrows and a lot of hair in my ears. I have plenty of hemorrhoid medicine in the bathroom cabinet. Too personal? How about a car? I could become a spokesman for the brand of car I drive. As soon as it’s back from the shop for it’s latest breakdown, that might work. None of these seem to be clicking with a quickly formed focus group…my wife.
As I was rummaging through the garage for inspiration, I found that weed eater I’ve been looking for forever…but that has nothing to do with this story. Just happy I finally found a precious item I rarely use. I was staring at my work bench and all the different tools I own, when my eyes were drawn to my colorful collection of duct tape hanging on the wall. That is it. Duct tape, the miracle fix-it tool. Who hasn’t used duct tape to fix something at some time. How many leaky pipes have a length of duct tape wrap around it to stem the flow of unwanted water. Every day we all see a car driving down the street with a wad of duct tape holding a distressed bumper on their car. How could people hang those critical “Garage Sale” signs on our local light polls if it wasn’t for duct tape. How many pictures of people getting duct taped to their seats on airline flights have you seen lately. It is the product with a million uses and I’m sure it is sometimes used to seal heating ducts.
I see myself as the next ShamWow guy. I’ll be wearing a microphone headpiece and be yelling all the benefits that my product, duct tape, will bring you if you run out to the local hardware store to buy some. I’ll make unbelievable offers like, “If you call now, I’ll throw in a second roll of duct tape, whatever color you want.”
I’m sure Vince, the ShamWow guy, has made a fortune selling his product and is recognized nationally for his work. Only one question, will duct tape be able to fix my reputation?
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