There is a serious border conflict that is endangering peace in our world. It is between Illinois and Wisconsin. What did you think I was talking about? Some meaningless dispute between Russia and the Ukraine that could lead to World War III? No, I’m talking about a serious conflict. The one between The Land of Lincoln and America’s Dairyland, or as I call it, “Behind the Cheddar Curtain.”
I have admitted more than once that I am a dyed in the wool Chicago Bears fan. I grew up loving my Bears. I became a fan in the days of Papa Bear Halas, George Blanda, Bill George, Doug Atkins, Mike Ditka, Dick Butkus and Gale Sayers. How could anyone not become a fan of so many Hall of Famers. The only good thing about Wisconsin was the fact that the drinking age was 18 and not 21. That alone would draw droves of teenagers from Illinois on Friday nights to cross the border to knock down a couple of beers. I think they did that to corrupt the youth of Illinois with a mind altering substance called Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Wisconsin is also the home of the NFL expansion team, The Green Bay Packers. Yes, expansion team. They were not at the meeting in Canton, Ohio in 1920 that set up what would eventually become the NFL. In fact, there are only two charter franchises from that meeting left in the current NFL. The Chicago Bears and the Arizona Cardinals. At the time of that meeting, the Cardinals were also based in Chicago until 1960. That just proves that Chicago is the center of the NFL universe. Green Bay was invited to join the league a year later but was kicked out almost as quickly. They were allowed to return after a year of exile. No matter how much people scream that the Packers are an original NFL team, the truth is that they are no different than the Jacksonville Jaguars, just another expansion team.
Life is different behind the Cheddar Curtain and I should know. My oldest son is exiled there because of his job and lives just south of Green Bay. He keeps me abreast of the strange habits of the people who are isolated from the rest of the country by dairy cattle, castles of cheese and beers that made Milwaukee famous.
One of their favorite foods is a thing called cheese curds. These are small, rubbery chunks of cheese that the residents snack on whenever possible. Apparently a cheese curd is at its best when it snaps as you bite on it. I’ve tried said cheese curds and had a difficult time finding what makes it special. There are plenty of restaurants, Like Culver’s, that have made a living pushing cheese curds.
They also have a pastry called Danish Kringles. It is a tire shaped pastry that you can buy in gas stations. My oldest actually drove out of our way, while we were visiting, to get a kringles for our next day’s breakfast.
Besides being America’s Dairyland, it is also brewing central of the United States. Wisconsin is famous for its big brand and micro-brewery beers. Now, would you be surprised to find out that there is a large German population in Wisconsin…and I haven’t even mentioned that it is the sausage center of the country. After learning this, I’m guessing they also lead the nation in cholesterol and heart attacks.
The people trapped behind the cheddar curtain also dress funny based on what season it is. The most important season up north is not summer, fall winter or spring, it is huntin’ season (and yes, there is no g at the end of that word). This is when you see most of the population wearing camouflage (camo) clothes and bright orange vests…and they wear it whether they hunt or not. These wardrobes are usually purchased at the Fleet Farm store nearby. If you are trapped behind the Cheddar Curtain, to survive you need to know where the nearest Fleet Farm store is. If you’re starving, you could live on the bait they sell. It’s an all purpose store.
The next season that the residents of the Cheddar Curtain dress specially for is football season. This is where everyone breaks out their Packer jerseys to pull over their camo and dig out their cheeseheads. They are very proud of this, for some reason. From a distance you might mistake a cheesehead wearing fan for a circus clown. Considering that Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus wintered in Baraboo, WI, that wouldn’t be a big surprise. When you get closer to the cheesehead wearer you discover that, they are a clown. Anyone who thinks that wearing a piece of cheese on their head is a great way of representing their team has to be a clown. Since we are talking about the cheesehead hat, I have a question. Why is it that the shape and color of cheddar but is full of holes like Swiss Cheese. I thought these people knew their dairy products.
The other important season for the folks of the frozen north is ice fishing season. This is an activity where a guy drives his pick-up truck out onto a large, frozen body of water, drills a hole in the ice, builds a shanty and sits in it drinking local beer until the bell on your fishing line rings. I don’t think the sport of this is catching fish, I think the sport is consuming your fill of suds before your pick up truck breaks through the ice and sinks to the bottom of the frozen lake. Yea, you might catch a fish but that’s just to satisfy the munchies from drinking all that beer.
If you noticed, all the important seasons for those folks behind the Cheddar Curtain take place in fall and winter. I think scientists have discovered that the residents of the area go into hibernation in the spring and summer months and don’t wake up until NFL Training camps start in August. This explains the lack of interest in their baseball and basketball teams unless they make the playoffs. The just awakened Cheesehead starts packing on weight for their next hibernation that starts after the SuperBowl, or whenever the Packers are knocked out of the playoffs.
I’ve always wondered if the people behind the Cheddar Curtain have similar problems to the rest of the country. Do they have street gangs? If so, I can imagine what they are like. Are they called the Cheddars and the Swiss? When they fight, is one side armed with cheese graters and the other cheese slicers? Since they all dress and look alike, how do they know who to fight with? Maybe one gang likes Schlitz beer and the other Old Style.
My mom said I should always find some good in people, even if they’re my enemy. I will say this, there is nothing more beautiful than taking a drive in Door Country, along Green Bay in the fall and observing the changing of the colors. The lakes are also beautiful. I like beer. That’s all I got.
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