Remarkably Unremarkable

Time for a confession. Many times men don’t go to see doctors because they are macho and feel they can work through any pain their body can throw at them, that is until it becomes real pain. My excuse for not seeing the doctor often enough is because I hate bad news. I watch too many shows that feature commercials for medication and all the maladies these meds treat scare the living daylights out of me. By watching, I’m convinced I have every one of these diseases. If I go to a doctor, he or she might actually confirm I do have one of the illnesses I keep seeing in these ads. I guess I would rather die stupid.

A couple of months ago I decided to actually visit my doctor and bring up a couple of things. I have some numbness in one of my toes and a persistent pain in my side. The visit that was supposed to check these two issues turned into a full physical. I had blood drawn, blood pressure checked, a chest x-ray, a sonogram, ct scan scheduled and my weight taken; another reason not to visit the doctor. If they don’t know your weight, they can’t tell you to lose a few pounds. Must be the first thing they learn to say in medical school.

My visit turned into a two month saga with results coming in a little bit at a time. The only answer I received the day of my original visit was that the numbness in my foot is from a bunion pressing on a nerve, and to wear wider shoes. That could be more expensive than heart bypass surgery. Have you seen the price of shoes lately?

A week after my first visit, the results of my blood test arrived. Instead of the doctors calling and sharing the information, I received an email telling me to go to a website and sign in. I did as instructed and found all kinds of information that made absolutely no sense to me. Hey, I didn’t go to medical school, I was a fine arts major, which is just this side of being a box boy at the local grocery store. (Do they still call them box boys?)

There was a list of items they were testing for, a number followed by a range that the number should be in between. Most of my results were within the proper range, except one, cholesterol. My cholesterol is a touch high because I like food that tastes good. It would be lower if I ate food that tastes like straw. I talked to my doctor on the phone and he assured me my results were great but I could use Crestor, to reduce my cholesterol. According to the commercials, they wanted me to reach out to my doctor to ask him about Crestor. What’s going on here?

The next test I had to take was to have an ultrasound. Ok, I can hear you snickering out there. No, it’s not because of the size of my belly, it was to see how my kidneys and spleen were doing…and I’m not pregnant. 

When my boys were born, getting an ultrasound was very rare. As a result, we had to have a boy’s and girl’s name ready to go at the time of birth. Our youngest boy really disappointed us. We really had a great girl’s name ready. Considering that he turned into this very large, defensive lineman in high school and college, I don’t think naming him Shannon would have gone over very well.

  Nowadays, science has progressed to where the expecting couple have a party to reveal the gender of the baby months before it is born. This usually leads to some kind of disaster. Not too far from where I live, the joyful family set a very large California wildfire by shooting off fireworks to celebrate the sex of the baby. What they got was a very large bill that the baby will be stuck paying off long into its old age.

  My ultrasound raised some concerns and the doctor then ordered a CT scan of my complete urinary tract. Now into the fourth week of my “alleged”  physical, I had to show up at the hospital at 6:00 in the morning to lie on a tray that slid in and out of a large mechanical doughnut. Before that could happen, the attendant put an IV in my arm that lead to a very big plunger for the purpose of shooting a large amount of iodized liquid into my body. It looked like a scene from a James Bond movie. I’m strapped to this table, while this large plunger slowly pumps the liquid into my arm. I expected someone with a very thick German accent to tell me, “I don’t expect you to talk Mr. Bond, I expect you to die,” then let out an evil cackle.

Fortunately the attendant did not ask me to reveal any super secret information, because I would have spilled the beans in a heartbeat. The whole thing was over in just about 20 minutes. Now it was time to wait for the results.

It took about a week before I received an email stating I could review my scan results on-line. I quickly checked in and found that my test results were in. As I read, I kept reading the word, “unremarkable.” My pancreas was unremarkable, my bladder was unremarkable, my prostate was unremarkable, my liver was unremarkable and my urinary tract was unremarkable. I was so disappointed. I always thought I was quite remarkable, but doctors know their stuff, I am an unremarkable kind of guy.

The one issue from the scan was that I have a couple of kidney stones. The doctor sent me a note stating the majority of my tests were “unremarkable” (Boy, this guy knows how to rub it in) and the kidney stones are no big deal, they’ll pass. What! I have plenty of friends who have passed kidney stones, and that is a big deal. As one friend said, it’s like getting shot in the back. That’s not unremarkable at all!

My doctor said to treat my kidney stones I should drink a bathtub full of water each day and add some lemon juice to it. Well, that’s what it sounded like to me. This will lead to another medical condition, sleep deprivation. If I drink as much water as they want, I will be up all night peeing…but I guess for a guy my age, that’s pretty unremarkable.

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