I’m a real fan of all the procedural shows on the networks. Shows like the three different NCIS franchises, CSI (you name the city), the Law and Orders and the FBI Trilogy. Even though I’m a fan, I’m also not an idiot. All these shows follow the same formula and just substitute the letters in the title. Even though it may seem like it, producer Dick Wolf is only responsible for about two thirds of these programs. Think about it, all these shows feature a group of young actors, in tight pants, fighting whatever crime is available and reporting to the grizzled, old veteran whose life is the job and acts as a mentor and spiritual advisor for their younger charges.
There is so much in common with these shows, I can start watching one, leave to take a nap, come back later and finish the storyline on a completely different show without missing a beat. Do you think there is a Cliff Notes publication for the writers of these shows?
I’m not adverse to making wads of money copying ideas and adding my own spin on them, so I have decided to create my own franchise of alphabet titled shows based on the successful outline of these shows. I have never won an Emmy so now’s the time. I haven’t won an Oscar, Tony, Pulitzer, or Grammy either but so what. Here’s my pitch. Let me know what you think.
My show would be centered in the health department of a county with a well known, large city as its center point. Of course it would have to have letters in its title. An example could be CHD (County Health Department), Los Angeles. Once the show is a hit, CHD, Clark County (Las Vegas) and CHD, Miami/Dade would soon follow.
County health departments are responsible for keeping the populace safe while battling such deadly adversaries as salmonella, e. coli and botulism in the eateries and dining halls we visit at one time or another. Though botulism is marketed as BOTOX, plastic surgeons offices would not be included. We need to keep our stars looking young.
The cast will be populated with young attractive health inspectors with pants two sizes to small, well tailored shirts to accentuate their torsos and perfect hair that is never out of place. The young crew would have a badge on their belt, gun on their hip, and a thermometer in their pocket protector. I understand that health inspectors don’t carry weapons but in today’s gun crazy society, it makes sense in case a disgruntled chef starts shooting when he’s told his restaurant has been downgraded from an A to a B. From what I’ve heard on the news lately, it is not outside the realm of reality.
All the inspectors will pursue their cases at night in the seedy underbelly of the big city they are servicing, in very expensive sports cars. These cars are gas guzzlers and way too expensive for a government office to afford. Really, when was the last time you saw an agent on any show pull up in a Toyota Prius?
When the inspectors are trying to solve their case, they will have a lab full of equipment to fall back on. The equipment will be modern, state-of-the-art with no problem to difficult to solve. The fact that the county’s entire budget would be dedicated to the health department’s labs would be worth it just to get any deadly shellfish off the street.
The crew would be equally divided between young, good looking women and men. The agents would be led by a veteran health inspector that has been on the job since sometime in the middle ages. He has all the answers, spends his entire life working and is located somewhere on the autism spectrum. Eventually, using his vast knowledge of everything, he solves all the cases confronting his team. At the end of each show, the wily veteran will pull out a half filled bottle of whiskey along with two dirty drinking glasses from his bottom desk drawer, share a drink and a final dollop of wisdom, with the agent who handled the featured case on this week’s episode.
Another requirement for our cast is that none of the characters are married and they all have issues with their fathers, who abandoned them when they were young or their mothers, who has hidden a secret from them since birth. Of course the atmosphere in the department will be thick with sexual tension as the young inspectors are throwing off a ton of hormones and the sexual tension can be cut with a knife.
This would be an endless source of story ideas for a show like this. The local diner with the under cooked eggs that leads to a deadly bout of salmonella. It could be the banquet facility that ends up poisoning half of a wedding party with questionable hors d’oeuvres. How about the high end Italian Restaurant with faulty spaghetti and clams? Can you say mob connection?
Of course each show will have a tense confrontation between one of the young inspectors and the perpetrator (restaurant owner, chef, baker, etc.). It will seem that the “bad guy”, though cornered, will somehow get off. The young inspector has the pointy end of his thermometer pressed to the heart of the criminal, ready to take justice into his own hands. His or her partner will be there to talk him down and tell him it’s not worth it. The perpetrator, though now free to go, will then do something stupid and will end up dead in the alley behind his doughnut shop, filled with lead from the two inspectors questionable guns. For all those folks shaking their heads in disbelief, check out any procedural show on television and tell me that doesn’t happen at least every other episode.
Time to write a script. All I have to do is download one from an already existing show, change the letters in the title abbreviation and just alter the story to fit my Health Department narrative. I see a hit! Time to go down to Sears and rent a tuxedo for the Emmy awards. What do you mean Sears is out of business?
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