I can now call myself an experienced cruiser. I have been on three ocean cruises and haven’t fallen off the ship once. I call that a win. Also, the endless eating and drinking was a win too, until I stepped on the scale when I got home. I never knew my scale could make that kind of sound, ugh!
My wife and I joined some friends of ours on a cruise to the Mexican Riviera. I guess any country can call a stretch of their warm beaches along the ocean its version of the French Riviera. It’s like me saying owning a Toyota is exactly the same as owning a Ferrari…except for the speed, style, and cool factor. To Be honest, opening my sunroof to let the wind blow through what little is left of my hair, while I go to the corner store to buy milk does not bring comparisons to Thomas Magnum tearing down the beautiful, lush highways of Hawaii. One is not like the other, no matter how many times I say it.
That aside, the Mexican Riviera, though not on the level of its French cousin, is a beautiful place. But honestly, I’m not here to praise or criticize Mexican beaches, I want to talk about my life aboard a cruise ship.
I never felt crowded while on this cruise. Unlike previous cruises, the public areas seemed smaller and intimate. I was surprised when one of the crew members told us there were over 4,000 passengers and over a 1,000 crew. That made me start panicking. What if there was something interesting happening in the ocean on one side of the ship and all the passengers rushed to that side of the ship to see it. How does this 16 story floating hotel not capsize? Don’t tell me it can’t happen. I saw the Poseidon Adventure. I have yet to see a “Gene Hackman” type of passenger ready to lead me and a rag-tag group of out-of-shape passengers, wearing tattered formal wear to safety.
I swore that I wouldn’t just eat my way through this cruise. A very difficult commitment to make. The ship we were on was basically a floating all-you-can-eat buffet. I did bring workout clothes with me and swore I would visit the workout center at least 4 times on our 7 day cruise. There was a problem though, the all-you-can-eat ice cream and pizza station were placed between my cabin and the gym. Not to mention the all day buffet, the hamburger and hot dog stop and snack shops all over the boat. From what I saw, quite a few passengers had no intention to showing control or visiting the gym and they made ample use of all these eating outlets. With all the eating going on board, visiting the ship’s gym is like putting a band-aid on a traumatic amputation.
There is entertainment galore on a cruise ship. Musicals, singers, magicians, comedians and all kinds of different “game” shows. It’s like Disneyland. You never know when crew members you thought were here to wait on you, break out in song and dance. They’re in disguise then infiltrate the passengers and when a DJ starts playing music, the crew members start dancing and jumping trying to draw innocent passengers into the fray. Once real people start dancing, it’s easy to pick out the crew. They’re the ones that are thin, athletic, beautiful and trained entertainers. I’m sure I blended in with them while doing the twist. Only spilled a little of my Mai Tai. I’m sure everyone thought I was one of the crew members.
If you have ever seen a movie about cruise ships, all the passengers are dressed in tuxedos and evening gowns for dinner. The cruise company tries to recreate that by having one or two formal nights where the passengers are “loosely” required to dress up for dinner. Unfortunately, it turns into an evening when most of the men’s jackets can’t get to the side with the button to meet the side with the button hole. They haven’t worn the damn thing since they got married years ago. Maybe if I suck in…I got it, I got it, no…I think I’m going to pass out.
I do believe it is much easier for women because they can “drape” things to hide the unsightly gains due to a long and successful marriage…and they all looked stunning. Ya think they bought that?
For many of the passengers, formal means their best jeans and t-shirts. That Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon t-shirt really rocked, especially with the baggy swimsuit. At least the guy had the decency to place his mullet into a stylish man-bun. Grasping a can of American light beer was a nice accessory.
This is also the night the captain comes out of hiding and makes an appearance. He was nothing like Captain Stubing on the “Love Boat,” who wandered among the passengers and helped solve their problems. On the 1970s/80s show he is aided by a crew who all must be licensed psychologists.
On our ship, we rarely saw the “real” crew in their pristine white uniforms. I do have to say, when Captain Giuseppe made an appearance, he was “male model handsome” in his formal white uniform, rock solid jaw, perfect hair and a mesmerizing Italian accent. I wondered why there was a deep sigh from all the women when he appeared on the balcony to address the passengers. Haven’t seen him since. That’s a good thing. He should be driving the boat and not mediating an argument between me and my wife on whether I should wear my Speedo to the pool. I know he would side with me.
My wife and I decided that we would use the cruise to relax, and passed on joining any excursions. We chose to stay on board, rest in a comfortable lounge chair, and enjoy the cities we docked at from the top deck of the ship. Our ship had a place called the “Sanctuary.” This was a canvassed covered, shaded area, with the most comfortable lounge chairs and a staff whose job was to pamper passengers. We enjoyed four hours of quiet while servers bought us extra special drinks, lunch, and then served us a high tea later in the afternoon. I didn’t want to leave but the crew informed me I was not allowed to sleep overnight there.
I did get some exercise while on the ship. My wife and I decided to use the stairs instead of depending on elevators to travel between decks. I didn’t realize that I could take so many steps while on the ocean. I guess you could say I was walking on water. Get it…hey, that’s not blasphemy. By the end of each day, my legs were aching big time. I guess I got a little exercise while on the cruise. I think I should lead with that.
Everyone knows how when you go on vacation you tend to come home with more than when you left? Let me put it this way, this cruise made me twice the man I was when we left…literally. Cruise companies could cash in on this. They should charge by your weight. As you leave, you have to pay for the extra weight you’re carrying off the boat. Now there’s an incentive to control your appetite while cruising. Never going to happen though. I’m sure that the ice cream machine was located in that high traffic area for a good reason…and yes, I did walk away with one cone in each hand several times. So sue me.
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