Does anyone know a good lawyer? You can now insert your favorite lawyer joke here. Here’s one I saw online.
An engineer dies and due to a paperwork snafu at the Pearly Gates, he is sent to hell. When he arrives, he decides that he can fix the problems plaguing the damned in hell. In no time at all, he creates an air conditioner that helps cool down the fire and brimstone. He goes on to install the internet, television and so many other comforts to the eternal pits of fire. Satan is impressed and gives this damned engineer a special place in his domain. An angel in heaven notices that hell has improved quite a bit and checks to see why. When he finds that an engineer was sent there by mistake, he takes it to God who immediately meets with Satan.
“You need to return the engineer. We made a mistake in sending him to hell,” says God.
Satan responds, “No way. He’s made hell livable and everyone in it comfortable. ”
God says, “I’ll sue you.”
Satan retorts, “Where are you going to find a lawyer in heaven.”
Good, that’s out of my system. My concern about finding a lawyer is because I have been watching non-network television again and if they’re not telling me what drugs I need to talk to my doctor about to correct all the illnesses they say I must have, they’re telling me I need to contact a certain law firm for a myriad of reasons. Was I at Camp Lejune? Have I ever used talcum powder? Did I ever work with asbestos and now have mesothelioma as a result? Have I ever been covered in fire fighting foam? Have I ever been in a car accident? Did I walk through a supermarket and have an ache or pain when I left? If I did, I need to contact the law firm that is running the ad. They’ll fight for me…or least that’s what they want me to believe.
We have all seen these ads when we are channel surfing through the 3,000 or so channels our cable provider gives us. The other times I see these ads is when I have insomnia and turn on the television, after the late night talks shows have signed off and while watching very old Andy Griffith Show reruns. Every other commercial is some kind of law firm trying to sign you up because you have a grievance you didn’t know you had.
What really is going on with these law firms is that they have discovered that there has been a large class action suit win or settlement and they are trying to find people who qualify so they can represent them in trying to get a piece of that settlement. If they are successful in getting you a piece of the pie, then they get to take fees that probably eat up most of that pie you just got served. Kind of like my wife when I order French fries. Even though they come with my dinner, she nibbles on them until there are none left. Her fee for tolerating me for all these years.
What about ads we see on television for personal injury attorneys, who think your insurance company has not given you enough money for your injuries and they will “fight” for you? These law firms will have a real client tell us how “so and so” got them five million dollars. The commercial usually ends with the lawyer giving a fist pump or something similar. Really? I never saw Perry Mason, Matlock, the Lincoln Lawyer or Dan Fielding do that. Maybe in the original version of “Night Court” John Larroquette would have but in the new version, he seems to have grown a soul.
I’m not going to go on about all these lawsuits pushing up the price of health care, products and insurance. Yes, that has happened but at the same time, if we didn’t have lawyers, many companies would just take advantage of us. Just one of the drawbacks of living in a free society. Like having to watch 25 minutes of commercials in a 30 minute newscast.
There was a time when it was taboo for lawyers to advertise but when it was lifted they swarmed the media with ads like a plague of locusts heading for a grain field.
Many people want to clump all lawyers into the same group but they are not. Our country has a system where all people, whether you like it or not, are allowed a fair trial and legal representation. There are some people, especially certain politicians, who would like to just skip the fair trial idea and get straight to locking up people they don’t like but that’s not how it works…unless you live in Russia, Iran, China, North Korea, or any other dictatorship you can name around the world.
Enough of that. I am now seeking a law firm to help put together a class action lawsuit for me. I plan to sue the candy companies. They keep raising the price on their candy bars while reducing the size of said candy bars. When I was a kid, I could buy a Snickers bar the size of a brick for 5¢. Now, you get these tiny things and they cost dollars. There’s a problem. I need a lawyer to fight for me. Insert fist pump here.
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