This past weekend, I attended an extravagant awards banquet staged by the magazine I write for. It was an awards ceremony to recognize the “Best Of” for the region it serves. To my disappointment, I did not win any of those awards. I was stunned. I’m sure I’m ”Best Of” something. That reader that just blurted out that my columns are the best sleep aid they ever used, I know who you are. It has to be you or the other person who reads my posts, and I know that’s my wife. Really, does she have a choice? Oh, that was my wife shouting. An apology to my other reader. Back to the Awards Gala.
It was the first time the magazine had attempted anything so grand, and they nicely pulled it off. You know how I can tell, the amount of silverware and wine glasses on the tables. Yes, everyone was dressed to the “nines.” (For you folks under 40, look it up. You might learn something). All the women wore beautiful gowns, and most men wore suits or tuxedos. It was nice not to see that one guy wearing a ragged pair of jeans, an old t-shirt promoting their favorite team, and carrying a beer cozy they brought with them to keep their drink cold…that is after I was asked to change into something more appropriate. Hey, I just got that cozy from Amazon, and there are no cracks in the Cubs logo.
Back to the table setting. As I sat down, I was blinded by the reflected light from all the different tableware pieces at my spot. At first, I thought the waiter who set the table dumped it at my place and would return and spread it out for the other nine seats. I looked around the table and noticed each spot had the same amount of glittering metalwork. I think I had six forks, three knives, and three spoons. This was combined with the three different wine glasses in front of me. Yes, there was also a separate water glass in the grouping. I had yet to figure out what to do with all this tableware. I don’t drink wine, and I think there is a law against pouring my beer into one of the glasses. I don’t think they would miss one, would they?
There was one person at our table who is one of the classiest people I know, so I turned to him and asked what each one of the pieces in front of me was for. He stared for a few seconds and informed me he had no clue. Once he got past four, the rest made no sense. I have never taken an etiquette course that would have taught me what each utensil was for or how to curtsy in case a queen is in the room. Thank goodness there was no royalty in the room. It would have been embarrassing having me trip all over myself trying to display proper etiquette.
To confuse me further, whenever a waiter came by, they took a piece of silverware from before me, even if I hadn’t used it. Why put it out in the first place? All I can figure out is when they saw my beer cozy, they were afraid I might walk off with some of the flatware. I couldn’t have done that. My pockets were already filled with dinner rolls and those tiny slabs of butter. It was a cool night. I think the butter will hold up until I get home, won’t it?
There were another couple of items on each of the tables: wine. Each table had a bottle of white and red wine for those in attendance to sample. It’s a good thing I had my beer hidden in my cozy. One woman at the table grabbed the red wine and decided it was hers. She protected it as if it was her child. When she finished the wine, I learned more about this woman than I would ever want to. Apparently, the wine loosened her tongue, and I was the one at the receiving end. If she does become the city’s mayor though, I have an in.
An excellent band played throughout the event, many categories resulted in an award, and every winner was present to accept their trophy. I was ready to whistle a tune to get them off the stage if necessary if they went too long with their acceptance speech, but that was not needed. Yes, I’m a pretty good whistler. I could have done it.
The rest of the evening was mingling, schmoozing, dancing, and a second piece of the delicious cheesecake. Oh, was that only me? It was worth it. I connected with some of the folks I used to work with and had conversations about possible articles I could do for the publication in the future. There was a bevy of happy award winners, and I didn’t see one sore loser, except for that guy in the mirror I was looking at.
I was happy for those who put on the event for its success and look forward to next year’s gala. I expect to be nominated and will have a lengthy acceptance speech when I win. Wait, am I hearing…music…but I’m not finished. I still have to thank my golf buddies and my old Little League team. Wait…
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