I am now an author. I have compiled a selection of my regular blog posts into a book and self-published it on Amazon Books. It is called “Being Funny Is No Laughing Matter, A Humorous Look At Why Bob Dylan Won The Nobel Prize In Literature And I Didn’t…And Other Amusing Observations.” Before you start, that is the book title and subhead together. Yes, there is still room on the cover for my by-line and a picture. Please read the book before criticizing it…maybe I need to rethink that suggestion.
Yes, I have now joined the ranks of such greats as Ernest Hemingway, Stephen King, Harper Lee, J.D. Salinger, and Dr. Suess in the world of literature. I can see the day my book is on the summer reading list of some poor high school sophomore. By then, they’ll have the Cliff Notes version and can skate by. Hey, you read one chapter; it’s like reading them all.
A while back, I decided to research what it would take to publish a book on my own. I purchased several books on the subject and learned I was going about it wrong. These instructional books I read first suggested hiring a ghostwriter and an outside graphic designer, then guided me to sites online that provided the services for a fee. I was confused. I already had the book written and ready to go. These “experts” do not have much faith in my writing ability. Hey, I heard that reader who just yelled out, “Neither do we!”
It turns out these experts are not suggesting that you write a book but to become a publisher. Let someone else do all the actual work, and you can post it online. How exactly do you accomplish that? Buy a do-it-yourself guide from a so-called expert on how to publish your book. The author probably had a big grin when he collected the $14.00 from my credit card.
I did not let that slow me down, and I did more research and learned what needed to be done to get a book published. I already had the copy and artwork; all I was missing was a cover with a clever title. I toyed with a few titles, all Pulitzer Prize-winning worthy, but then I came across an article that told me that “keywords” were necessary for the title. What are keywords? Those are words someone uses to search for a book they want in a specific category. My book is “allegedly” a humor book, so I had to change my title to reflect keywords that would draw in that kind of customer…excuse me…reader. When you read the title, you will notice words like funny, laughing, humorous and amusing. Maybe I should have used guffaw. That would pull them in by the “10s.”
As a retired graphic artist, I had no trouble laying out and designing the next significant contribution to literature. I read the requirements for a cover, back cover, spine, page dimension, and bleed requirements and knew exactly what they were talking about. If nothing, my book would look good.
I needed to choose the type of publication I wanted to write. I could have written a pamphlet like Thomas Paine’s Common Sense, but that helped start a revolution. I don’t want to start any trouble, just make a couple of bucks. It could be a short story, but it is obvious I can’t shut up. Maybe a novella. Naw, it sounds too much like a Tella Novella (Spanish language soap opera). I decided on a novel because I had enough words to qualify. Is this a matter of quantity or quality? We’ll see.
I have already received a couple of reviews of my book from highly qualified individuals (I may owe a couple of friends a beer). One said it was great but too long. I’m going to buy them a copy of Great Expectations. They’ll see what’s too long.
Another reader said it was fun and would be a great bathroom book. I asked him if he was short on toilet paper? He responded it’s a great book for when someone is doing their constitutional on the throne.
My book has been published, and now I await the inevitable calls that follow a book when it becomes a bestseller. I suspect my first call will be from Oprah. I’m sure she will add it to her book club. If I become a member of that, I’ll be doing a book tour that includes every daytime talk show in the country.
Next will be Hollywood. Some big wig will hear about my book, and a bidding war will follow. Which studio will secure the rights to turn it into the next blockbuster movie? Since I couldn’t afford an entertainment lawyer, I thought I could use my brother-in-law, Van, to handle the negotiations. I trust him. He bought a 2010 Ford Focus for a bargain…and it runs occasionally. I’m sure he’ll secure me a record-setting deal.
Eventually, famous author James Patterson will contact me to collaborate on a novel. Who hasn’t collaborated with Patterson? Former Presidents and a famous country singer are just a couple. I already have a book where each chapter is about three pages long. Patterson would love that.
I’m clearing a shelf in my office for the many prizes I will be receiving for my literary effort. I’ll also have to rent a tuxedo for all the award ceremonies I will be attending. I’m working on my speech right now. Finally, there will be the Nobel Prize in Literature. I’ve addressed this subject before. Bob Dylan won it, so I should be a shoo-in.
Another Nobel Prize winner in Literature is Gabriel García Márquez, who wrote 100 Years of Solitude. The book is considered one of the most significant pieces of literature from the 20th Century. I have read it, have you? Saying it is a bit slow may be an understatement. Once the committee sees my offering, they’ll breathe a sigh of relief and hand me the award. You’ll never catch anyone reading “100 Years of Solitude” on the toilet. You could fall asleep, and that’s dangerous.
Sales are brisk. I’ve already sold one copy. My wife says it will arrive tomorrow.
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