Yup, this will be one of those columns talking about how it used to be. I am now of an age where everything in my life makes me nostalgic. There was a time when I always knew where I left my keys only a 15-minute search. I sat in my car, enjoying my successful search for the keys, when I realized I had forgotten where I intended to go.
What triggered this? Well, finding my keys has become a big deal in my life, and when my wife yelled at me from the bathroom to come and kill a spider—no big deal. I pride myself on being a big-time spider hunter and was ready to jump into action. My only problem was I couldn’t find a newspaper to roll up to swat the evil monster. It took only a few seconds for me to remember that the daily newspaper had gone the way of the dinosaurs. I’m a quick thinker, so I grabbed a towel, fell back on my high school locker room skills, and tried to snap away that spider’s life. I’m sure the spider is now sitting in a secure hiding spot, laughing at the damage I did to our bathroom from a wet towel. That leads to another item that has disappeared from our daily lives: shampoo bottles made of glass. Thank goodness, because that would have been a dangerous mess on the bathroom floor.
So, instead of spending my mental capacity on finding a cure for cancer, solving conflicts all over the world, or trying to balance my checkbook, I decided to look back at items that were once commonplace and are now relics in museums—kind of like my golf game, which has completely disappeared.
I have been forced to take several plane rides in the past year. You may already know that I do not like flying…and after our last landing on our last trip, I may take Route 66 next time. Did you know they don’t serve meals on planes anymore? Well, at least that is how it is on the discount airline I fly. I remember being served a hot dinner whenever I had a flight over two hours. It was a great distraction from the thought of the plane falling from the sky in a giant fireball. Now they throw a bag of pretzels at you (no more peanuts due to so many people with nut allergies.) Would I rather die of anaphylactic shock or fly into a mountain? Something to consider.
Following this up, there was a time when the airlines didn’t nickel and dime their passengers for everything associated with the fight. You now pay a fee for luggage, a pillow, a blanket, a soft drink, and Wi-Fi. When will there be an extra charge for defying gravity? After the last hard landing, I feared I forgot to cough up a fee for that. And don’t get me started on where the legroom has gone.
Do you remember gas station attendants? I do. A friendly young man wearing a uniform with a bow tie and jaunty (yes, jaunty) hat ran out to your car after it rolled over the pneumatic hoses, which triggered a bell inside the garage where they fixed cars. I am not sure if this applies to Oregon. Last time I was there, you didn’t dare step out of your car to pump your own gas. You could end up in jail for that.
To make more money as the price of gas skyrocketed, service stations (is that an oxymoron) require the driver to get out of the car and pump their gas without a discount on the gas. Pumping my fuel saves the station’s owner money and the cost of jaunty hats. He should be sharing that with me. Who yelled naive?
On top of that, those service stalls where I could take my car for an oil change or quick tune-up have been replaced with rows and rows of potato chip bags, beer, and a soda fountain. At least they still have a very small section where I can pick up a quart of oil that will hold my car over until I can get to a quick lube shop. Getting a big gulp to sip on as I write these pros each week is nice.
Another victim of modern technology is the phone booth. If you are old enough, and that would be anyone 40 and older, there was a time when phone booths littered our landscape. On the street, in hotel lobbies, bus stations, hospitals, and even schools. I remember when my dad told me to always have a dime in my pocket in case I needed to make a call. For you folks laughing and calling me really old because a phone call costs a dime, my dad used to tell me that he kept a nickel in his pocket as a boy to make any emergency calls, so lay off the senior citizen. The only time you see a phone booth anymore is in a “Dr. Who” episode. You would think a guy traveling through time would come up with a more modern form of transportation and a new wardrobe stylist.
You have to feel for people who depend on phone booths. Those guys would walk down the street hoping to find some loose change in the coin return. Now they’re sitting at stoplights with cardboard signs, making them look at you eye to eye. Without phone booths, how would Maxwell Smart drop down to Control headquarters in “Get Smart.” For those young folks who wonder what reference that was, find one of those channels on your cable feed that rerun T.V. shows from the 60s at nausiem. Mel Brooks created it, and it was very funny. How about Superman? Now he has to change into his superhero costume in an alley or another questionable location. Wait, you don’t think superheroes are real? Geez, catch up.
Here are a few other items that used to be in everyday use but have disappeared as “Time Marches On.” (This is a clever reference to newsreels that ran before movies back in the 30s, 40s, and yes, even the 50s.)
What happened to the milkman and his glass bottles? They were probably pushed out by a big plastic jug and a big convenience store.
Another job lost to progress was the elevator operator. I guess he lost his highly technical job when someone invented buttons.
There was a time when you went to the restroom at a high-end restaurant or office building, and there was a bathroom attendant. The gentleman would brush off your suit jacket when men wore a suit to dinner. He would also hand you a towel after washing your hands and offer cologne for those who wanted a freshen-up. About a year ago, I had dinner at Buddy Guy’s in downtown Chicago, where they had bathroom attendants. That took me back to my prom at the Palmer House…and yes, I own a suit.
It’s time for me to go. I have my keys in my hand, and my wife told me where I needed to go, but just one thing: Has anyone seen my wallet? I thought I put it with my keys.
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