Author’s Note: This is another re-run column. Translated, that means I have a nap to take, and it won’t take itself. I’m sure you have forgotten this column by now, but it will be fresh and fun for you. Let me know what you thought of it when I wake up.
Hey…I’m over here hiding behind my computer. Shush, quiet, please. I don’t want her to find me. I just need a little time to myself. Who, do you ask, am I hiding from? Alexa, my smart speaker, or should I say the four Alexa smart speakers I have in my house. Oops, I think she heard me. Busted!
I’m pretty sure smart speakers were predicted by George Orwell in “1984” or “Brave New World” by Aldous Huxley. These two authors foresaw a future where unseen authorities took over and ran everyone’s everyday life. Maybe it was in a quatrain written by Nostradamus. Now, that would be predictable. (See what I did there?)
It started as an innocent gift from some friends. One Christmas, they gave me a hockey puck. Well, it looked like a hockey puck, but it wasn’t. It was a thing called an Echo Dot. For those of you who have had your head in the sand for the past six years (and I really don’t blame you for how things are going in this country), an Echo Dot is a smaller version of the Amazon Echo Smart Speaker. The only difference between my dot and the original, larger version is the quality of the speaker. I can see that dead-eye look of yours. It could be due to the sand in your eyes, but I’m pretty sure you have no idea what I’m talking about.
Amazon apparently didn’t have enough money from selling everything available on earth online, so they invented a speaker that is basically artificial intelligence. The purpose of the speaker…make Amazon more money. Not just from people buying said speaker but also enabling the owner to order more useless things from Amazon. Can anyone say “vicious circle.”
Alright, I do admit it was a novelty at first. It’s kind of cool to have it play music for you, set timers for when you’re cooking, get the weather forecast for the day, and have it tell you a very bad joke. My Alexa has made me even more lazy than I already was. Remember, I’m the guy who is looking forward to a TV remote that works based on my thoughts alone. No extra muscle movement is required there. Alexa has taken over many of my everyday tasks, making me even more of a couch potato than I already am. Instead of getting up and turning the lights on and off, I now command Alexa to do it for me. Well, there goes my daily exercise routine. The only movement I get now is going to the refrigerator for a beer. Will that be next?
My smart speaker is also making my brain lazy. We all remember those spelling bees we had to do in grade school. I studied and tried to do my best, but I could never keep up with those snooty, intelligent kids who could retain things. I depended on dictionaries for years so I wouldn’t embarrass myself when writing. Once I got a computer, the part of my brain that retained what few words I could spell became useless. Spell check was the culprit, and now it has an accomplice. If I can’t spell a word, I ask Alexa.
You should see the first drafts of these articles I write. Every other word has a red line under it (misspelled) and the ones spell check can’t figure out, I just talk to Alexa. Spelling house, cat, and beer is not as easy as you would think since my responsibility for spelling them correctly ended in 1989 with my first computer.
I do have some concerns about my Alexa and sometimes wonder if it is spying on me. It’s always on, so is it listening in on my conversations? Who is listening on the other end? Is Alexa a disembodied voice or an agent for some nefarious organization? Maybe it’s just Jeff Bezos listening and trying to figure out a way to get me to order more stuff I don’t need.
The other day, there was a yellow light flashing on our Alexa, and we had no idea what it meant. What could it be? Who better to ask than Alexa? That’s pretty obvious. When asked, we were told that the yellow light meant there was a notification for us. What could it be? We have learned that you can make calls from your Alexa, so someone might be trying to reach us. Alexa can send an alert from one side of the house to the other in an emergency. Maybe a long-passed relative was trying to communicate with us from beyond the grave. We were curious. We asked Alexa what the notification was, and she said it was time to order more Goji Berries. What the hell is a Goji Berry? They look like they’re made from petroleum products. My wife explained that she orders them from Amazon; they are healthy and help her diet. After she heard the notification, she told Alexa to send two more bags. More cash for Mr. Bezos…or his ex-wife.
I do believe Alexa is gathering information on my wife and me. She just recently ordered a chair online. We talked about the chair and how much we liked it. The next day, I was getting ads for the exact chair on the many different social media platforms I’m on. I did not look the chair up online; my wife did. Why would I start getting notifications about buying one? How Big Brother is that, Mr. Orwell?
They now have Alexa with a video screen that you can use to get opinions on how you dress. How invasive. Alexa can apparently check in on me any time it wants. What if I’m sitting around in my boxers on a hot day? I guess if Alexa or one of her agents decides to take a peek, that’s their problem. Have you ever seen me in my boxers? It’s not a pretty sight. I need to eat more Goji berries. “Alexa, fetch me a beer.”
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