The Christmas Season is officially here. I know there have been holiday commercials since Labor Day, but the everyday inundation of anything Christmas swung into full gear just before that parade in New York on Thanksgiving. By the way, they need to update The Macy’s Day Parade. Instead of giant balloons of cartoon characters depleting the world’s dwindling supply of helium, how about drones creating shapes in the night sky as they traverse down whatever famous street they are on in New York? And yes, they would have to move the parade nighttime. It probably would help cut down on all those people lining the parade route and getting in the way. My wife told me I may want to rethink my idea and that I’m missing the point.
I’m not here to discuss parades but the month-long season leading up to Christmas. The key word is repetition of everything Christmas. How many television commercials of brand-new luxury cars with big red bows can one person stand? How about all those ads staged in front of a crackling fireplace with Santa having a dialogue with some young person or candy (I’m talking about you, M&Ms)? I think they create one set in Hollywood and then parade different actors and directors into and out of it to film their alleged one-minute masterpiece. See one, seen them all.
The worst commercials are the fragrance ones. They usually appear first around the time the NFL season begins. They are silent tableaus that never mention what product they are pushing for the holiday season. By doing this, they can run these commercials for other holidays. They are beautifully shot, use many stunning models, and make absolutely no sense. Confusion is an excellent marketing tool. Go figure.
As the season progresses, we see people decorating their houses to show the world how much they love Christmas, driving up their electric bills. Thank goodness Christmas happens in cool weather. Imagine what would happen if all those twinkling lights competed with the air conditioners for electricity. Talk about a power grid meltdown.
A relatively new Christmas tradition has exploded over the past few years—television Christmas movies. Many call them “Hallmark” movies, but that network no longer has a stranglehold on these products. Besides the Hallmark Network, Lifetime, Netflix, and other streaming platforms have jumped into the fray. For the two of you who have no idea of what I’m talking about, I will explain. These movies are shown during the holiday season, staged during the final days before Christmas. They are always a love story between two young professionals who fall in love but have conflicts due to their careers or some stupid misunderstanding.
The story usually starts with the couple meeting by happenstance. They seem like complete opposites, and as the story progresses, they fall in love. Unfortunately, one of the two has to return to their big city job, while the other is committed to staying in their small hometown. When all seems lost, something miraculous happens that allows them to be together. There always seems to be a guy who looks like Santa in the background, with a twinkle in his eye, when the magic moment happens. You know the end of the movie is nigh (an old-timey term that means the end is near) when the couple finally kiss after several false starts during the film.
My wife, though not addicted to these movies, does enjoy them every once in a while. As I have sat through them with her, I have determined one thing. There is one script circulated from film crew to film crew. Each crew has a “screenwriter” who changes the characters’ names and locations. They rotate the same actors to play the parts in these holiday masterpieces. I don’t understand why they don’t have a few movies with Sylvester Stallone, Keanu Reeves, and Arnold Schwarzenegger shooting up everything, explosions and car chases, in a Christmas setting. Now, that would draw a holiday audience.
The one thing all these movies feature are sets that are completely over the top with Christmas decorations. Most of these stories are filmed in Canada, and these films are leading to the deforestation of our friendly neighbor to the north. These projects are filmed months before they are shown, and those Christmas tree lots are filled with trees that will be thrown away after filming. The snow is fake, the stories have no imagination, and the actors are sweating under those layers of ugly sweaters, hats, gloves, and overcoats…and the audience loves every single one of them.
Last year, we had some special guests visiting us for Christmas. One of these friends is a massive fan of anything Hallmark movies. Their house is decorated to the max during the season and looks like a set from one of these movies. As a result, my wife decided our house should look like a Hallmark movie exploded in it. Every day for weeks, we received packages with a new garland, string of lights, or decorations that would need to be hung somewhere. It was my job to mount these decorations for the best effect. I was never one to hang lights on the house, but my streak of avoiding that ended last year. I was up on step stools and ladders trying to figure out how to hang all this new stuff without breaking something, falling, or electrocuting myself. I was mostly successful, and whatever I did injure, healed within weeks.
We have all these holiday movies because they must rake in tons of cash; I have a pitch for my Hallmark Movie. The story starts with a writer from the big city visiting a small town that always has a covering of snow and lots of pine trees. He is there to research an article on egg nog addiction. While there, he meets a beautiful young woman who runs the town’s Fruit Cake/Egg Nog Recovery clinic. They spend most of the movie hanging decorations, skating, sledding, drinking egg nog, and walking. The climax comes when the beautiful couple will spend Christmas Eve at the annual town Holiday Pageant, which his New Love organized. Before he leaves for the pageant, the young writer gets a call from his editor telling him to return to the big city because they need his article filed for the morning edition. The editor wants to beat the New York Times and Washington Post to the street with a major investigative story. The pageant starts, and his new love is wondering where he is. Has he bolted back to the city because his career is more important than true love? Just as Santa is about to hand out gifts, the young writer appears and tells his true love about the demand of his editor and how he blew him off because he has discovered he is addicted to egg nog and needs a stay in his love’s clinic. The couple embraces and kisses with Santa in the background, smiling with a twinkle in his eye.
Of course I will use the usual cast of actors, secure a location somewhere near Toronto to film it and I will do a cameo as Santa. Hey, if Alfred Hitchcock can do it why not me.
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