You may wonder where I have been. Anyone? Okay, I’ll tell you anyway. I have been writing an article for the magazine I used to work for. It is about baseball, but the good thing about it is that it pays. Unlike this blog, where I beg for a like, the magazine gives me cash to write. What have you guys given me?
Now that I have the bitterness out of the way, back to the day’s subject. It has been raining here in Southern California for the last few days, and my wife and I have been stuck indoors. I know I am a ray of sunlight in my wife’s life, but she insisted we leave the house. I think she meant she needed to get out, and do something different besides listening to stories of my life over and over. I can put myself to sleep with these stories…z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z. Oops, did I doze off?
She suggested we head to our local big-box store because we needed 48 more rolls of paper towels. I was all in. There is nothing like a visit to the box store. A shopper could get lost in the cavernous warehouses and lose track of time.
It starts by trying to get into the parking lot and finding a spot that doesn’t require a 5-mile forced march to reach the entrance. Fortunately for us Westlake residents, the parking lot at our local franchise is usually half empty. I think it’s because too many of our residents look down on folks who shop at a “box store.”. I have been to several other outlets where finding a parking spot is like finding a mythical Leprechaun and his pot of gold (A St. Patrick’s day reference due to the proximity to the high, holy holiday at the time of writing.). I have to say that I feel sorry for other stores that share a parking lot with one of these vast stores. Their poor customers are forced to park quite a distance away since most of their parking spaces are taken up by those heading to the box store.
Once we arrive, we grab one of the very large shopping carts and head to the entrance. I think the purpose of the big cart is to inspire the shopper to fill it up. Considering how large the bundled items are, it won’t take much time.
We dig out our membership card, check in with the greeter who looks disappointed with how his retirement is going, and head into the giant retail space. Our goal is to have paper towels, but they are located in the opposite corner of the store. We had to traverse the store and fight our impulses to buy whatever we passed. It started with the televisions. A section filled with giant, flat screen televisions all ready to load into the car and take home. Never mind that we have a perfectly good television hanging on the wall at home, so why not another? Hey, at these prices I could buy five, but we were successful in fighting those urges.
Next was the seasonal section. Spring is on it’s way and the area was filled with patio furniture, umbrellas, grills and other poorly made and useless products we really don’t need. We were able to navigate this section without caving into our buying urge.
Now, my favorite activity at these behemoth shopping outlets is dining. There is no better place for a quick lunch than a box store. I spotted my first sample station and headed for it. I can get an appetizer, entree, and dessert while visiting. I know that portions may be small, but that can be solved by changing my look each time I visit. First, wear my hat but take off my sweatshirt. Next time, remove the hat and wear the sweatshirt. The third time, hat on, sweatshirt off. Finally, no sweatshirt or hat. I’m sure not one of the attendants working the sample stations noticed. My wife did and headed the other direction in embarrassment.
After a wonderful lunch, I hunt my wife down in the produce section. She acts as if she doesn’t know me, but she finally acknowledges me when she needs help pushing our fully loaded cart around. Looking at the cart, I wonder if we need a five gallon tub of honey, forty boxes of Zip Lock lunch bags, and a complete set of fleece casual wear. Looking at the quality of the fleece, I doubt it will make it by its first visit to the laundry, even if it makes it through the downpour we have to run through to get to the car. By the way, we still haven’t reached the paper towels.
We did have a list of a few items we needed, but when we started looking for them, we discovered that the store had been rearranged from the last time we were there. We were forced to walk back and forth down the aisles between very tall shelving units which were holding pallets of the products for sale beneath them. I am sure they do this to run the customer through a gauntlet of impulse buys. No matter how much you try, you can’t avoid making a purchase. I really did need those industrial size boxes of Cheerios glued together in groups of four. Just need a place to store them until I need the cereal for breakfast. I now have a stash that will last until I die. I should check and see if they have an expiration date.
We finally reached the paper towel section. I thought the last time we stocked up, we wouldn’t have to return to our box store for years. Maybe we should buy two 48 packs.
When we found checkout lines longer than people wanting to buy tickets for the next Star Wars movie, I noticed the hot dog special at the dining area on the other side of the checkout stands. Can’t pass that up. As I sat and enjoyed my second lunch with a cold Coca Cola, I watched as all these gullible people pushing their multiple shopping carts towards the exit. We’re not like that. We were able to keep our purchases in one basket, and what we could hold under our arms.
Damn, I missed something. I just noticed the 1,000 pack of Tylenol. That would be useful considering how bad my back hurts from pushing around this full shopping cart.
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