I said that I would keep you updated on my health, and I am true to my word. I just finished six weeks of radiation treatments for my prostate cancer. The hardest part of the treatments was the hour-and-a-half drive down to the clinic on Sunset Boulevard in East Hollywood, and then the drive back. The treatments themselves consisted of lying on my back in a CT scan machine (think of a giant metal doughnut — explains why I had a craving for doughnuts each day) for about ten minutes, and that was it. There were additional requirements for the scan, but I will not disclose them here. Embarrassing if you know what I mean, but no pain.
I have had my share of radiation jokes from my family and friends. No, I do not glow in the dark. I have not gained any superpowers like Spiderman or the Hulk. One thing, though, the path I take across our lawn from my car to the house has died, and it’s artificial turf. When I asked the technicians about the amount of radiation I had absorbed, they told me not to go near women of childbearing age and stay away from small children. When I asked how long the side effects would last, they used the term ‘half-life’.
Radiation is both a beneficial and detrimental phenomenon. While it is used by doctors to diagnose broken bones and tooth issues, and to fight cancer and other diseases, it can also provide power to our homes, businesses, and fuel our largest naval ships and submarines. It can also wipe out a city in the blink of an eye and may eventually wipe out all life on the face of the earth. Too much of a downer?
Experts have assured me that my procedures are perfectly safe, and after years of performing these treatments, the doctors have refined them to a science. Tell Madame Curie that. Curie was one of the first scientists to study radioactivity at the turn of the last century and discovered its uses for medical treatments. Even though she and her husband won a Nobel Prize for their work, the same work eventually led to her death…and she was the one giving the treatments. Imagine what happens to her patients.
I’m going to assume that after 125 years of use of radiation in medicine, it may have been refined to be much safer. Considering that I have had my cancer treatments, I ended up also having to go to the dentist to have some emergency dental work, and it required another set of X-rays. Why does the television get interference when I walk by it? One good thing is that when a mosquito bites me, I hear a buzz, and the bug is toast.
There are side effects of the radiation treatments. The further along I went, the more exhausted I became. I had a hard time getting past 2:00 in the afternoon without dozing off in whatever chair or sofa I was sitting on. My wife claims that was happening every day before my treatments. Those were not naps but inspiration sessions for this column. My bedtime kept moving up until I was hitting the sack at 7:30. I had to wait until then to watch Jeopardy. Who’s going to yell all the answers at the television, right or wrong, if I’m off snoozing? I also lost my appetite. Now explain to me how I lost my appetite but still gained weight (Can we say water gain due to medications)? I’m trying to lose weight, but I’m still my plump little self. I have cancer, dammit, I’m supposed to look skinny, drawn, and gaunt. There has to be a benefit to having this disease.
My experience through this phase of my treatment was excellent. There was a shuttle that left from my local medical clinic, made one stop, and dropped off me and other patients at the door of the facility in Hollywood. It was a long drive, but the passengers could concentrate on their preparations for treatment rather than traffic. Our driver had the patience of a saint and not once expressed anger at the many commuters around us who cut our shuttle off. A few passengers may have expressed their displeasure. Hey, it’s my prostate that’s the problem, not my fingers.
When we arrived for our treatments, everyone from check-in to the technicians could not have been nicer. They made us feel welcome and always had a smile for us. Considering that a few of us were cantankerous old men, that is amazing. I was well-behaved and tried to have fun. Each day as I entered the treatment room, I had to give my name and birth date. After a week, that got old, so I started using aliases to see if they would notice. The thirty-something attendants had no clue who Alfred E. Newman, J. Fred Muggs, or Max Headroom were (and if you don’t, look them up).
They were all wonderful people and made what could have been a stressful experience a breeze.
I am suffering some new side effects that come after the treatments. They are mainly in the bathroom. I think the radiation turned my prostate and into a piece of charcoal…or at least it feels like that. I have been told the exhaustion and other side effects may last another six weeks. Great, I have at least a six-week excuse for napping whenever I want. My wife isn’t reading this, is she?
I want to thank all those who have sent their prayers and well-wishes while I have been on this journey. As for my sons, sending texts to my doctor telling him to pull the plug won’t work. I canceled the life insurance policy months ago. I intend to spend what little money I have before I go. Actually saw an article saying that was a good idea—sorry, boys.
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