To say that I am not very good at math is an understatement. It’s like saying Vanilla Ice is a terrible rap artist, Fruit Cake is an affront to humanity, and the Chicago Bears are a black hole for quarterbacks. I am one of those high school students who asked, “Why do I need to learn algebra when I will never use it?” I never have. I’m not sure what side of the brain controls doodling in my school notebooks, doing silly characters of people I know, writing inappropriate messages to friends, and avoiding balancing a checkbook, but that is the side that controls me. I am showing great courage by stepping out of the shadows, admitting to the world that I am terrible at numbers…and finding someone to help me get my taxes straightened out. Someone…anyone?
I always did well with arithmetic. The adding, subtracting, dividing, and fractions part of math. Why couldn’t they leave it at that? No, those in charge of our education system had to force challenged individuals like me into math classes that used letters in math problems. Do I have to ensure my math problem is spelled correctly and use proper grammar? I did get the answers correct. I would turn in the page of algebra problems with the correct answers and then the next day have it handed back to me with a big red F and a note saying that the teacher wanted to have a conference with my parents. This is when I learned that algebra is more about how to get the answer than actually getting the answer. That makes absolutely no sense. The half of my brain that actually works was completely confused in an existential way (the artistic side of the brain’s way of thinking).
Do you know how embarrassing it was to hand a note like that to my parents? A few days later, I was sitting in my algebra classroom with my mom and facing the teacher who had failed me. She was very nice about the whole thing. She explained that the class was more about solving the problem than getting the correct answers. My confusion level was turned up to ten. She said I was trying but apparently didn’t understand the concept and should be moved to a different type of math class. A few days later, I was in the “practical math” class. That’s the math class where you learn to balance a checkbook, count change back to a customer if you are working a cash register, and add, subtract, and divide. My class consisted of a lot of guys in leather jackets with cigarettes tucked behind their ears, most of the football team, almost all of the cheerleading squad, and me. At least I aced the class, which I can’t say for our starting quarterback then.
Unfortunately, that didn’t get me out of moving up the math ladder in high school. The following year, I had to take Geometry. To my surprise, I got it. It consisted of drawing squares, circles, ovals, triangles, and more. Yes, the problems still contained letters, but this math made sense to me. Later in life, I actually used geometry in my career. I became a graphic artist, and geometry was essential to getting the job done. Angles, degrees, radius, and diameter were all things I had to use to create all kinds of graphic art jobs. I did well in that class in high school, then called an end to my math career.
I thought I was done with math and languages when I got to college. Boy, was I wrong. Algebra and a language other than English (which I wasn’t very good at that one) were required. I tried my best to avoid these classes, but I had to take them if I wanted a degree. I got through Spanish and learned a little math in the process. I can now order different numbers of beers in Spanish. Uno cerveza por favor. That is an order for one beer. I got so good at it that I can order up to ten beers at once. After that, it gets fuzzy. I think I inadvertently ordered a round for the whole bar the one time I went to Mexico. Is there an extradition treaty with that country to the south of us?
Unfortunately, I could not get through Algebra. I accumulated enough credits to graduate, but since I didn’t get that one required math credit, I could not collect my fine arts degree. Ok, I heard someone say, “What is a fine arts degree good for?” I worked hard to get that degree, and as soon as you find out what it is good for, please let me know.
Years after I moved on from higher learning and had my career in a good place, I was invited by the local Community College to come and teach a class in computer publishing. I told the person recruiting me that I never finished my degree and I couldn’t. She asked me for information on what schools I attended, and she would take it from there. In just two days, she informed me that the one class I avoided was no longer a requirement for a degree, and since I had enough credits to earn three degrees, I was awarded my diploma. Damn, just like that, I wasn’t as stupid as I thought I was. Many of my students would disagree when I started teaching, but that is a story for another time.
Math still haunts me. Just this morning, I made a $300 error in my checkbook. I have learned to double-check my math due to making such mistakes every time I pick up that damn thing. It is fixed, and I will not be hauled off to a debtor’s prison. Well, at least not this week.
I was blessed to be married to a gifted accountant who handled our marriage’s financial aspects. She was intelligent, attentive, and a perfectionist when it came to our finances. She had to be; that was her job, and she would have been fired if she hadn’t been. When she fell ill and bills were not getting paid, I had to jump in and take over. The closest analogy to that is of a guy working in the city sewers suddenly being called on to do brain surgery in a pinch.
To everyone’s surprise, especially mine, the IRS hasn’t arrested me, no one has tried to repossess my car, and I haven’t been thrown out of my house. I have been asked to do an emergency brain procedure, but I declined. I just found another error in my checkbook and must get this corrected.
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