I am a man of a certain age, or as my sons put it, older than dirt and twice as disgusting. I guess that makes me a dirty old man. As I have advanced in age at a tremendous speed (I was 30 just a few days ago), I find myself using the phrase “I used to be able to…” quite a bit. For example, I used to be able to see my computer screen while typing, but it seems to be a giant blur at the moment, that is, without my Coke-bottle-thick reading glasses. I think it is right behind my keyboard, but I can’t be sure. Yes, I am writing this column based on memory and hoping some kind of artificial intelligence on my computer will bail me out. You will know that happened if my blog makes any sense.
Even in my advanced age, I have tried to stay active. I regularly play softball in a senior league, golf, and ride my bicycle, that is, until about a year ago. I was actually very good at all my activities. I could crush the ball and play good defense in my softball games. I was able to dip my golf score into the 70s regularly, and I had no issue riding 15 miles on my bike. What I should say is, “I used to be able to.” I have been taking a medication for the past year and a half for a chronic condition I have developed. The side effects of the medication have reduced my ability to compete at the high standard I expect from myself. Well, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. It can’t be that I have gotten so old, my natural athletic ability has diminished…or could it? Naw, that would never happen to me.
When I go up to bat, everyone expects me to hit one off the wall; I’m lucky to get it past the infield. When I come back to the dugout, I start my excuse with “I used to be able to…” and hope that will remind my teammates of what I delivered in the past, even as I am temporarily struggling. I can only hope.
“I used to be able” does not only pertain to my sporting activities. I used to remember where I left my car key, but that is now a pipe dream. I had a colonoscopy last week and had no luck. Where could those keys be?
Of course, not knowing where my keys are could be a good thing…for my wife. I don’t think she thinks that I’m a good driver anymore. The screaming, grabbing of the armrests, and slamming on the imaginary brake on her side of the car might be a sign that “I used to be able to drive safely,” but apparently no more.
Another issue I’m dealing with is sleeping. “I used to be able to get by with 6 hours of solid sleep,” and not be tired during the day. Nowadays, I’m lucky to go an hour at night without jumping out of bed and running to the bathroom. Had much better bladder control then. Due to a solid night’s sleep, “I used to be able to stay up late, watch a late-night talk show, then head to bed. Today, I’m lucky to make it through Jeopardy without falling asleep in the middle of it. I tend to just doze off during anything on television. My wife is sweet and doesn’t bother me, and lets me take a little cat nap. The problem is that I’m missing the endings of many of the shows I enjoy watching. So, fill me in. When did Mark Harmon leave NCIS, and when did Gary Cole replace him? I was watching a show one night, and Harmon (Leroy Jethro Gibbs) was about to reveal the real killer. When I woke up, the show had gone 30 years into the past; they’re in San Diego, not Washington, D.C., and Gibbs is young and has muscles. Rip Van Winkle much.
There was a time when“I used to be able to motivate myself and get things done around the house.” I have been reduced to watching HGTV or the Food Network, cuss at a jigsaw puzzle, or work on a model airplane. My garage is starting to look like we have someone who is hoarding, living with us. It’s a simple job. Move the trash into the trash can and put it out on the street. “I used to be able to do that,” but I’m usually busy taking a nap, so I’ll be able to fall asleep only halfway through my shows that night. Hey, that nap isn’t going to take itself.
As I am writing, I know many of my readers are going, “That’s me.” It’s not a bad thing, unless your wife or husband hasn’t hidden your keys . It would be a really bad thing to doze off while heading to the store to get some milk and eggs. Speaking of milk and eggs, “I used to be able to afford milk and eggs,”
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