Elementary

As I have said before in this space, I enjoy murder mysteries, especially the British ones. The ones set in the past are particularly fun. The costumes, the formal dialogue, the total disregard for the chain of evidence, and the crime-scene contamination. My wife and I were watching a new crime drama, set in today’s world, on BritBox last night, called Cooper and Fry. Everyone at the crime scene was dressed in what best could be described as hazmat suits. The only part of their body exposed was a small part of their face so they could deliver their lines. If the detectives search a room or house, they immediately snap on rubber gloves, pull out plastic bags, and begin collecting evidence. Sometimes the plotline is how someone contaminated evidence, not the actual crime. So, this triggered my imagination. What could go wrong?

I’ll start with the world’s most famous private detective, Sherlock Holmes. He and his buddy, Watson, would be thrown in jail if they visited a contemporary crime scene. He would be touching everything without gloves on, trampling evidence at the crime scene, not to mention every cop would want to kick his butt for his arrogance. I also think before they could get away, Holmes and Watson would be in handcuffs, heading off to the slammer for drugs. Holmes for using opium and Watson for being his pusher. Are we shocked? Apparently you have watched the movies but never read the books.

I am also a fan of all things Agatha Christie. I am in the middle of her first Hercule Poirot novel, which was written in 1921. I love the Poirot television series that featured David Suchet. Mr. Suchet embodied Poirot better than most actors could the characters they played. While watching the quirky Belgian consulting detective it is fun to watch as he goes through the complete story, displaying his offbeat mannerisms; then, at the last moment, his eyebrows go up, and he scolds himself for being stupid before pulling the solution out of his butt. Before he reveals the killer, he gathers all the suspects in a room, then spends the last half hour explaining how each one of them could have committed the murder before pointing at the last suspect and declaring them the murderer. Very entertaining, but come on, what do you take us for?

Christie has a whole stable of clever detectives; they all have distinctive traits, all their adventures are similar, most gather all the suspects in a room before solving the crime, and the solution is, again, questionable. But I still love them. I can not turn away when anything Agatha (I use her first name because I feel so close to her) comes on the television. I have seen every version of Murder on the Orient Express, even though I know exactly what’s going to happen.

Considering how Agatha has come up with hundreds of ways to kill somebody, and since most of them are by poisoning, I wonder if she might have been a serial killer in real life? She was an expert in poisons due to her work as a nurse during World War I. let’s talk about Jessica Fletcher of Murder, She Wrote. Amazing that all those murders happened when she was in the vicinity. Curious.

The difference between American and British murder mysteries is basically guns. The Brits have to ask permission to carry a gun because a particular situation might be dangerous. American cops usually carry multiple weapons and then wish they had a long gun when they get into a firefight, which seems to be every episode. American cops also seem to get into a disproportionate amount of car chases, usually on busy city streets. The Brits run after their prey through narrow walkways in tiny villages, waving their hands and yelling, “Stop, police.”

All this leads me to wonder: how did they solve crimes in ancient times? For example, when Alexander the Great suddenly died. Imagine a couple of grizzled Greek homicide detectives are put on the case to solve the mystery. I can see them now in their unkempt togas, both with five o’clock shadows, smoking whatever ancient Greeks would smoke. 

Can you imagine when the Greek authorities arrive at the “crime scene,” they would have to put on a body suit, have bags for evidence, put on rubber gloves (did they even have rubber 2300 years ago), a forensic expert is examining the body and saying, “I’ll have more for you once I get the victim back on my marble table.” 

When they finally solve the crime, it ends in an exciting chariot chase, with the suspect and a detective trading bow-and-arrow shots, resulting in the suspect’s chariot crashing and blowing up in a ball of fire. This would be the American version.

The British version would have been: they invade the area and subjugate everyone, and solve the crime in a much more civilized way, then hanging the criminal.

After the Greek detectives dispatch the criminal, they head back to headquarters, pull a bottle of whatever rotgut they would have drunk, and a pair of dirty goblets out of the drawer of their sculpted marble desks. They would then put their feet up, and toast a successful conclusion, followed by a sacrifice to the pagan Greek god of bad crime dramas.

You are probably wondering why I spend so much on crime shows? Simple: every other show seems to be a murder mystery, or medical drama. Really, Hollywood is a bit short on ideas. We do get a war story once in a while, thanks to Tom Hanks, but we have to choose between death by murder or death by disease. If these writers don’t come up with some new ideas, it might be death by boredom.

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